Dear UG,
I have 4-year-old twins (one of each.) How do I get the girl from being the boss all the time and how do I get my boy to be a little more assertive?? He is very sensitive and she is like an army sergeant. Help!
-Crazy Mom

Dear Crazy,
But isn't that the natural order of things?
According to the lore of my people, women have always pretty much been in charge, while we men got all the crummy jobs like killing really big scary animals so we don't have to eat salad all the time.
Your son has learned survival techniques early in the game. And like all of us, he will learn the fine art of courage when she darn well tells him to.
-UG

Dear Ug,
My friend may have a problem with his 3-year-old son Tadley. Tad has a very happy disposition, smiley brown eyes, and likes to wash. He is particularly kind to his baby sister George, and never pees in his pants. Should my friend be worried?
-Tad's Dad's Friend

Dear TDF,
Worried? He should be in full panic! The gods of parenting are generally fair, so if Tad's this good now, it spells major trouble down the line. I suggest he put Tad on restriction IMMEDIATELY, until he starts torturing his sister, peeing in the houseplants, and otherwise exhibiting more balanced behavior.
There's one other possibility I need to mention. A person who names his son "Tadley" and his daughter "George" could be, in essence, a raving lunatic. You may want to put him on a similar restriction & observation plan as Tad.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee in a plant.
-UG

Dear UG,
When do you suggest I switch from formula to solid foods?
-New Mom in Michigan

Dear New,
Like I should know this.
I'm a CAVEMAN, for crying out loud!
I mean, uh, probably around the  time when the kid starts eating stuff off the floor. Like fuzz, or Legos.
-UG

Dear UG,
I caught my 4-year-old son drawing on the wall with his crayons. How can I discourage this? He's really not very good...
-The Stick Figure on the Left

Dear Stick,
Have you taken a look in a cave recently? We've had the same problem since the dawn of mankind. Clearly, we couldn't stop them either. My advice would be to wait until the walls are completely covered, then find a different cave.
-UG

Dear UG,
My daughter is tugging on her ear a lot lately. Should I take her to the doctor?
-Concerned

Dear Concerned,
What kind of insurance do you have? If you're in an HMO, I wouldn't recommend trying to see a doctor. First off, you'll probably get spit out the posterior of their phone system 2 or 3 times before you actually talk to a human being. Also, HMOs are primarily concerned with MAINTAINING your health, not IMPROVING it.
If the tugging gets worse, or she seems uncomfortable, but there is no gushing blood or protruding bone fragments to clue the staff in that there's "something amiss," I would suggest you get your LAWYER to take her.
-UG

Dear UG,
I think I   recognize you. I met you in a bar a few years back. Would you be interested in taking a paternity test for my 2-year-old son, Agustus?
-Seeking Windfall

Dear Seeking,
I'm quite sure I've never seen you before.
-UG

But I didn't send a picture…

NEXT!
-UG