Dear UG,
I've been hearing about this "Caveman Diet." Can you please explain it?
-Husky Momma

Dear Husky,
I'm glad you asked. It's pretty simple. You just eat what you kill. Considering you modern folks never actually KILL anything (it's very messy,) my experience says that the pounds should pretty much melt away.
For snacks, I'd recommend road kill.
Bon Appetit!
-UG

Dear UG,
As one who actively participated in "Great Pickle Race '75", I was wondering if you feel that the intense academic pressure caused any harmful side effects to our delicate psyches? I still have frequent nightmares featuring dancing pickles.
-Sweet Gherkin

Dear Gherkin (and I hope that's not your real name),
You realize, of course, I'm a cave-man with no actual
ed-joo-cayshin...
So, if by "academic pressure" you mean like when a mammoth sits on your chest, and by "delicate psyches" you mean family jewels, then I'd have to say that it would depend on how big the Mammoth's buttocks were.
No wonder you have nightmares.
-UG

Dear UG,
My daughter got a huge wad of gum in her hair! Help! How can I get it out without resorting to the scissors?
-Loves Long Locks

Dear L3,
Ah, the "gum in the hair" rite of passage! This is quite common.
I always suggest shaving the head completely, as this not only gets rid of the gum, it's the most successful way to prevent repeat occurrences.
But if you're married to the hair, you can try peanut butter, shoe polish, and motor oil. These treatments don't really work, but they go a long way toward convincing you that scissors might be the best option, after all.
If you've got an older child (say, around age 5) I'd let him/her have a whack at it. May as well make this a learning experience all around.
Have fun!
-UG

Dear UG,
I'm not sure if spanking is right for me, but all my friends do it. What do you think?
-Peer Pressured

Dear Pressured,
That depends. Do you have children?
-UG

Dear UG,
How can I get Mustard Stains out of my daughter's nice new jacket?
-Fastidious in Falmouth

Dear Fastidious,
I LIKE mustard stains. Why would you want to get them out?
-UG

Dear UG,
My husband never listens to me anymore. We used to have long thoughtful conversations all the time, but nowadays all he does is grunt. How can I re-kindle the connection we used to have?
-A One-Sided Conversationalist

Dear A,
Uh Huh.
-UG

Dear UG,
My children won't sleep through the night. They play tag-team, and I
haven't slept more than 5 minutes in the past year and a half.
I'm desperate! Any suggestions?
-Zombie Mom

Dear Zombie,
Ever heard of "Whack-a-Mole?" This parenting technique was originally popularized in MY generation, but enjoyed a brief arcade resurgence in the late 1900s. It's all in the wrist. Good luck.
-UG