Dear UG,
I just had a new baby, and my 2-year old has become very jealous and demanding. How can I help him adjust, while keeping my sanity?
-Sliced and Diced

Dear Sliced,
Two words:
Duct tape.
-UG

Dear UG,
My husband complains that when he gets home at night, the house is a mess. I'm afraid he's right, but what with all the toddlers around here - I just can't seem to keep up. I tried the 5:00 blitzkrieg strategy, but they're just so darn QUICK…
-Chaos Queen

Dear Chaos,
Two words:
Duct tape.
(This advice column stuff is a breeze!
Can I get some more potato chips over here?!?!?)
-UG

Dear UG,
I'm getting close to 40. Should I have more children?
-Still Ticking

Dear Ticking,
Aren't 40 kids enough for you?
-UG

Dear UG,
I believe that getting my fat adopted son up at 3AM to go running is appropriate, based on my knowledge of his personality and best interest. Others consider this abusive. What do you think?
-DontVoteMeOff

Dear DVMO,
I'd think that would depend on which large carnivore happened to be chasing you at the time.
-UG

Dear UG,
What kind of stroller should I buy?
-7 Months Pregnant

Dear 7,
FINALLY, a question I feel qualified to answer! I mean, uh, fascinating question, ma'am.
As my brother-in-law AG is in the vehicle biz, I'm quite aware of the very latest in transportation technology. My advice to you is to find a stroller with WHEELS.
Preferably the upgraded *round* wheels. And don't settle for less, even if they offer you a rock-bottom price!
Good luck!
-UG

Dear UG,
What do you think about children sleeping in their parents' bed? My wife insists it's healthy, but I'm not so sure.
-NotGettingAny

Dear Not,
You have my sympathy, but the real truth of the matter is: this is a tried-and-true method of birth control implemented by cave-women for centuries. When food gets scarce, or a husband loses too many teeth, a woman will shamelessly march her children RIGHT into the bed, until such time as he goes wild with frustration and impales himself on a mastadon tusk. Whereupon she is free to choose a younger, stronger mate, who can "feed" her more. Or whatever.
May I ask: How many teeth do you still have?
-UG

Dear UG,
I'm 5 months pregnant, for the first time. What's the best way to reliably determine the sex of my baby?
-Can't Stand the Suspense

Dear CSTS,
Wait 4 months.
-UG

Dear Ug,
I've heard that you should start reading to your baby in the womb. Do you think this is beneficial?
-Expecting a Boy

Dear Expecting,
Heck no! What? Do you want him to grow up to be an intellectual, or some high-paid doctor or lawyer or business leader or something?!?!
Books are a complete waste of time, both in and out of the womb. If you want your son to grow up appropriately brutish, so that he'll be good at killing large carnivores and thus able to attract and impregnate multiple women, rid your house of reading material IMMEDIATELY.
I also recommend tugging and stretching his arms starting at a very young age, for that attractive knuckle-dragging silhouette.
-UG