MOMMARAMA

The Wits End Wedding School

Welcome to the Wits-End Wedding School, Ice Cream Parlor, and Sandal Emporium!

We're here for your best moments,
We're here for your worst moments,
And the shoes - well, who really needs a reason?

We at Wits-End Wedding School, Ice Cream Parlor, and Sandal Emporium offer a complete range of classes for brides ranging from novice to expert. Don't face your big day alone!

Oh sure, you think your fiancé will get involved, take an interest, and share the joy of wedding planning. Trust us - he will not, as he will be too busy practicing for marriage by learning the correct intonation of the phrases: "Whatever you want, Dear" and "That one looks fine, can we go eat now?"

Our Wits-End Wedding Professionals will give you the tools to succeed, instill take-charge confidence, and (when necessary) provide unlimited quantities of therapeutic ice cream! And the shoes. My God, the shoes!

Register Now! Select from our comprehensive offerings, listed below.

Weddings 101: The Quaint Cozy Ceremony for Family and Close Friends Only
Prerequisites: Groom, Unflagging Optimism
and/or Delusional Tendencies
Text: Mythology Through the Ages

Weddings 205: When Someone in a Maternal Position of Authority Takes Over and The Guest List Begins to Dwarf the Population of Bolivia
Prerequisite: Diplomacy 101
Texts: Zen Bride
Ego vs. Superego (Freud)

Weddings 307: The Exotic Vacation Wedding (or: Keeping the Guest List Under Control)
Prerequisite: Poor relatives
Texts: Dysentery and You
Airline Luggage Sorting System Conspiracy Theories

Weddings 29.95: The Notary Public - Is that all you're worth to him?
Prerequisites: Complete lack of judgment
Text: Local Telephone Directory

Advanced Weddings 610: Cutting the Budget and Other Pipe Dreams
Prerequisites: Alienating Relatives 101
Texts: The Gross National Product of Uruguay
A Complete Study of Vertebrates

Advanced Weddings 911: Pass the Valium, and What Color is "Puce" Anyway?
Prerequisite: Unlimited credit
Texts: Meditation for Post-Traumatic-Stress Victims
The Post-Stewart Encyclopedia of Wedding Details, Vols 1-26
Sewing Circus Tents (for Dummies)

Tact 1000: Staying in the Will, at All Cost
Prerequisite: A Pulse
Texts: Roget's Thesaurus
Hypnosis (for Dummies)
(optional) Swearing in Swahili

Supplemental Weekend Course:

Elopement 100: A six minute lecture, followed by intensive CPR training and complementary indoctrination into the Witness Protection Program.

INSTRUCTORS

Our instructors at Wits-End Wedding School, Ice Cream Parlor, and Sandal Emporium are first rate! Hailing from all corners of the county, they bring their expertise to Wits-End, so you won't reach yours.

Shirley McNair-Heath-Dow-Rosenbaum-Schmidt-Fontaine
Married 15 times in 1983 alone, she can now put a wedding together faster than an over-the-counter pregnancy test. Shirley also has a nice selection of gowns, which she rents at very reasonable rates.

Emma Nutt
Remarkably, Emma attended every wedding in her hometown (pop 15,163) between 1987 and 1999,when, in an unfortunate Macarena incident her trademark fairy godmother costume "wore out." Emma has particular expertise in family negotiation skills and, not coincidentally, ventriloquism.

Mary Mae
Okay, we had to hire her just based on the name. But she scoops a mean triple-decker!

June Bride
Mrs. Bride is not only a qualified instructor and lifelong devotee of all things nuptial, she is also our employee of the month for single-handedly renaming all of our Wits-End homemade ice creams to match standard RIT satin shoe dye colors.

Renee Mann
Ms. Mann once memorized the yellow pages. Really. You have to hand it to her.

Bette Jikann-Dewitt
Author of the best-selling book "Etiquette Schmettiquette" and inventor the plastic spork, Miss Jikann-Dewitt has single-handedly revolutionized the American rural wedding.

Here at Wits-End Wedding School, Ice Cream Parlor, and Sandal Emporium, our mantra is "Organization, Preparation, and Double Fudge Chocolate Mocha Mint."

And don't forget the shoes.