The Kawa Whinery (Press Release)

I'd like to invite the public to sample our fabulous new reserve whine: Chateau du Kawa's "Abigail," vintage 1996. Best whine in the house!

Aged to peak performance, this whine embodies persistence and urgency as no whine we've ever experienced.

She whines with cheese, she whines with crackers, but I have to say in all honesty, she's not much of a romantic mood setter. This one should be saved for gregarious occasions, when some extra noise isn't likely to make or break a good time. Because, folks, this 1996 reserve positively SCREAMS freshness. Or screams freshly, whichever.

Try our "Abigail!" You'll enjoy a charming initial bouquet of mild discontent, verging on ire. The whine itself is smooth as the transmission of a 1962 Bluebird school bus (complete with double-clutching), and it mellows to a lingering aftertaste of frustration and despair.

Possibly, this is the perfect whine for an "over the hill" birthday party. In addition to setting the appropriate immediate mood, it may go far in convincing the recipient that the next world may, after all, be preferable.

Unfortunately, this whine does NOT come with a cork, though frankly, the idea has crossed our minds on more than one occasion. But it's free-flowing, and it was a bumper crop, so there's plenty to go around.

Unlike other advertised whines, "Abigail" seems to achieve a more pleasing overall impact when  accompanied by shots of tequila. This combination approach seems to smooth out some of the rougher tonal edges, giving this whine a slightly more pleasant rating. Be sure to never actually MIX the two together in the same vessel, as HRS keeps tabs on this sort of thing.

"Abigail" doesn't do well in cellars or cool dark storage. Unless situated at the exact center of action and attention, the energetic nature of this whine may become overwhelming. Unfortunately, this reserve whine can not be crated or shipped easily.

Though by it's nature this whine can be rather overpowering, it tends to assume a more delicate character when served with macaroni and cheese. ONLY macaroni and cheese, mind you. In the blue box. Or a Happy Meal. But that's it. With all other dishes, we've come to expect its characteristic robust response.

Make your plans to experience "Abigail" soon! We have it on authority that this whine will decrease in intensity within just a few years. But until then, Chateau du Kawa is willing to share her with as many folks as would like to take a shift.

Visit Chateau du Kawa! Tours every evening from 5 to 7, peak performance window for this unparalleled reserve whine.