Make Them Squirm

We never see it coming, do we? Then all of a sudden, there isn't anything to watch on TV anymore. It's the summer TV doldrums!

While waiting impatiently for the compelling and intelligent fare promised in the fall (which rarely lives up to the hype, but by then we're good and desperate) we're relegated to a steady diet of mental ring-dings and twinkies: Reality TV.

In the spirit of continuing this societal decline into insipid (but mesmerizing) world of reality programming, and because I happened to notice that children have not yet been adequately exploited in this genre, I offer the following concept to the Hollywood small screen moguls:

Make Them Squirm!
(A Reality Show that Treats Kids as Badly as it Treats their Parents)

In this program, we'll pit kids against their parents in a 10-round bloody duel to the death (or at least tears) for the Grand Prize, which amounts to whatever is the going rate for public humiliation these days.

You'll no doubt pick up on the fact that the kids' stunts are different than the parents' stunts. This is because I noticed that the things that appall and terrify my children are entirely different than the things that appall and terrify me. Or any adult, for that matter. Except possibly Adam Sandler or Ozzie Ozbourne. If you swap the stunts, it's just not sporting.

Round 1 - What Some People Won't Put In Their Mouths!
Parent Stunt: Stuff as many live, hissing beetles into mouth as possible (watch out! They bite!)
Equally Appalling Kid Stunt: Brush teeth. With minty-fresh toothpaste.

Round 2 - Get It Off Me! (An Endurance Stunt)
Parent Stunt: Lie in a vat of raw sewage and live venomous snakes.
Equally Horrifying Kid Stunt: Lie in a tub of warm water and SOAP.

Round 3 - The Gross Eating Challenge
Parent Stunt: Eat a bowl of decomposing, maggot-infested road-kill.
Equally appalling Kid Stunt: Eat a serving of steamed asparagus, with butter and salt.

Round 4 - Drawing Blood
Parent Stunt: Endure 20 body piercings with dull, rusty surgical instruments.
Equally Horrifying Kid Stunt: Get a sliver removed with sterile tweezers.

Round 5 - Nerves of (Rusty?) Steel
Parent Stunt: Time how long it takes tree rabid champion fighting dogs to rip through provided protective gear and draw blood.
Equally appalling Kid Stunt: Allow hair to be thoroughly brushed, and braided.

Round 6 - Nyctophobia (look it up.)
Parent Stunt: Remain for <time period> in a pitch dark room filled with starving, blood-sucking bats.
Equally Horrifying Kid Stunt: Remain for <same time period>  in a dark room with only one night light, and a stuffed clown in the corner.

Round 7 - The Obligatory Key/Lock Challenge
Parent Stunt: Hang from a helicopter, upside down, until 16 padlocks can be unlocked, using random keys hidden in the upper branches of trees, through which the contestant is being dragged.
Equally appalling Kid Stunt: Unlock Grandma's bathroom door thumb lock, from the inside.

Round 8 - Shock and Eeeew
Parent Stunt: Undergo cranial electro shock therapy, administered by one of three randomly selected chimpanzees.
Equally Horrifying Kid Stunt: Watch "Predator" with the babysitter.

Round 9 - Public Humiliation (because just being on the show doesn't count.)
Parent Stunt: Streak naked through the Super Bowl halftime show, until Federal Security guards take you down with a Taser.
Equally appalling Kid Stunt: Go to a birthday party where all the other attendees are the opposite sex. Get served the smallest piece of cake.

Round 10 !!! - Sensory Deprivation
Parent Stunt: A spin through Disney's "It's a Small World" ride, followed by 72 hours in a sensory deprivation chamber.
Equally Horrifying Kid Stunt: One hour in a room with adults, who are discussing current events and politics.

Of course, brilliant as it obviously is, it probably won't fly.

This level of blatant child exploitation and cruel mistreatment (I mean, ASPARAGUS, for Pete's sake!) is likely to land producers in the pokey, or worse yet, branded with bad Neilson ratings. People can't stand to see children suffer.

I suppose we'll all have to make due with "American Juniors!", and "Worlds Most Talented Kid." You know - the nice shows where all the contestants win, and learn that life is fair.