MOMMARAMA

The Simplification Trend

The latest lifestyle fad of the 00s, "Simplification", is the latest desperate attempt on the part of us capitalist pawns to loosen the grip of stress from our hectic consumerist lives. And one in which (finally!) families with children have a huge advantage. Never mind that the deluge of toys is exactly what pushed us over the edge in the first place.

A simpler existence, with fewer worldly possessions means less to take care of, clean up, or surgically remove from the dog's lower intestines.

Less to distract us from what's really important in life: Television.

Whoops - I meant relationships.

We at the Kawa household are all over this trend. After all, the Jones' are, and you know how that works.

The meat of this simplification idea is in clearing our hearts and minds of all those heaps and piles of STUFF in the average home. If we would just get rid of ¾ of all that crap we thought we needed, we'd be much happier, so say the experts. Not as happy as we'd be if we suddenly had back in our pockets the hard-earned after-tax dollars we spent on all that junk, but happy nonetheless. (We'd have probably just lost it in the stock market anyway, we tell ourselves.)

Luckily, we have a huge head start. Simplifying is *much easier for parents with small children. Because the children have systematically broken roughly 125% of the things we THOUGHT we cared about: the camera. The TV remote, the washing machine, all available cordless phones, the toaster, my favorite chair, and at least semi-annually, the refrigerator (don't ask.)

Furthermore, children have the God-given talent of spreading what belongings they can reach in a manner uniquely suited to the instant evaluation of material wealth.

Why hang things neatly in a closet, where you'd then have to flip through things one by one to decide what to wear? So much simpler to survey your options right from the upper bunk!

Books stacked in a bookcase cannot be loved nearly as much as the ones obscuring the mattress from view. (And would obscure the floor as well, if it weren't for the heaps of clothes.

Why wash it if it's just going to get dirty again?

You never know when you might need a snack. Or a fork. Or a roll of electrical tape.

Such is the logic of my sage children. Duly inspired, I vow to DO what needs to be done.

Start small. The first to go were the contents of the desk. Adult desks attract children with a constant, experimentally verifiable force. It's a special kind of static cling, really. Half of the purloined desk supplies end up in, around, or under their beds, a quarter are later found taped to the walls, and the remainder will turn up in 2-3 days when they make their way through human, feline, or canine digestive systems (in roughly equal proportion.)

While I'm at it, this filing cabinet is pretty cluttered. Best to toss it outright.

Next, the garage. It is another scientific fact that any solid item in a non-empty garage will end up blocking the driver-side door of the family vehicle. The liquid rule is even scarier. A third garage law has to do with squirrels' appetite for old tax documents, but I'm saving that for another column. Clearly, everything must go.

I'll keep the hot water heater, but only because it's attached to the wall.

Next: burn the calendar. Just think! No more pesky appointments or holidays to remember. And since we won't be having birthdays anymore, I won't age. I'm starting to appreciate the draw in this new life philosophy.

The final first-round simplification project target: closets! I really can't bear to open them and peek inside (a dangerous prospect at best, even when a helmet is involved) so I'll just scrounge up some pieces of wooden trim, nail them on, and paint the whole thing the same color as the walls. Of course for this I will need a saw, miter box, nails, paint, and such. Those were in the garage…Oops.

I think I just found a hole in "simplification theory." Never mind, I'll just spackle the doors shut with toothpaste (college.)

My minty-fresh, unfettered life is already paying off. I'm an 00-ies mom. It's all about relationships now!

Relationships with the piano teacher, soccer coach, and ballet instructor.

Where did I put my calendar?