School Daze

Remember when we just had to show up on the first day of school with a pencil? If we were really on the ball, it was a "number 2 pencil."

The school supply list I received in the mail for my daughter this year looked like it was written by the IRS. I haven't yet gotten the list for my son, so I have to be careful about projecting an amount when I apply for that 2^nd mortgage. Don't want to fall short, and have to pay for the graph paper out-of-pocket (graph paper, apparently, is made out of semiprecious metals.)

Expenses don't end there. This year my son will establish a spending account with the school - for lunches and such. He's NINE, for crying out loud, and they're giving him a MasterCard. Technically, they say, it works as a debit. (Right, He waves it around, and I go into debit.)

Simpler for the children, and less money gets lost. Good training for "white collar" bullies, too. They'll just stand next to a target in the lunch line, provide instruction on the fine art of cross-charging, while claiming that their retirement fund will be safe, for sure, if they just keep investing.

Extortion aside, I suspect that there has been some good old fashioned abuse in the ala carte section of the cafeteria, as a result of this newfangled debit system, so I know I should keep close tabs. "Chocolate milk all around, $37.50", for example, would be something to watch for.

When I was little (recall, the girl in pigtails with a number 2 pencil) I had to bring my lunch money each day, and a dime on Fridays if I wanted a snow cone. It didn't seem like a lot to remember, as long as my pants had pockets. But then I didn't have supply inventory lists to track, either. I guess there's only so much you can expect a kid to handle these days, if you're firm on the "education" part of the equation.

Back-to-school traditions were simpler and not nearly as interesting back then. Mom bought us each a couple of new tee-shirts, and maybe a pair of shoes (if we grew, or if the calluses from going barefoot all summer bumped us up a size.) I don't remember, on a single occasion, seeing her faint when the cashier asked for payment.

Now, an increasing percentage of public schools require special  uniforms, usually sold at a single store in town which I'm pretty sure is owned by the Superintendent. I think some of you may have encountered my whining and moaning on the uniform issue in the past, but get ready for this - I was wrong. Yes, it's true. Not because of the individuality thing, or the lemming argument, or even the cost. The big perk here, is that it takes six and a half (6 ½ !) minutes to do a whole years' worth of shopping, thereby leaving a full 62 hours to find a 17-pocket binder with an albino bat on the cover, and a six-prong remote control feature (science class, required item #14b).

Or possibly pick up a part-time job to cover the cost of shipping the bat notebook from an Australian distributor.

I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I've come up with the reason that attending public school is so expensive these days. You know, given that the lottery and other state funding has been so overwhelmingly generous to the education system of late.

It's all because of the classroom pets.

I challenge you to find a classroom that isn't packed to the gills with, well, gills. Or fur. Or tentacles. Or (d) all of the above. Pets are all the rage in modern education, used to promote science, and get kids to show up. I realize that animal husbandry isn't one of the three R's, but there's something to be said for a kid learning about scurrying rodents and slithery reptiles someplace other than home.

I happen to know that pets can be pretty expensive to keep, even when they're deceptively small, and especially when the animal itself comes FREE!  with the purchase of a habitat.

Consider that every class, every year stocks up: gerbils, fish, lizards (private schools get kangaroos. Not bitter) Anyway, you can see where all the money is going. 

And where do all these extraneous mascots end up? Let's just say that toward the end of the year, I would suggest you DO NOT schedule any teacher conferences, or attend any parent meetings whatsoever. In fact, you might want to wear a disguise (nose glasses don't work), because for the last 2-3 weeks, the teacher's main goal is to place the classroom pet with some unsuspecting parent "just for the summer" - secret teacher code for "eternity" which is how long the summer feels, to a parent, anyway.

And how long it takes to save up for next years' supplies.