Do I Have to Say It?

Motherhood is the quintessence of femininity; the noblest calling. It's the pillar of civilization. A placid pool in a tumultuous world…You get the idea. So why is it that we mothers find ourselves uttering words that no human should have to actually SAY? Words so painful to articulate, I cringe to recall them?

Some things just OUGHT to be self-evident. Some knowledge should be innate, for the express purpose of sparing us poor moms the need to bark these vulgar orders at our children. In public, sometimes.

Like: "Wipe." I mean, REALLY, should a person have to point that out?

  • Don't lick the cat.
  • Please don't touch the road-kill.
  • 'Hold it' doesn't really mean HOLD IT, Sweetie.
  • Don't stand on the Christmas ornaments.
  • Please don't flip my skirt up and/or unbutton my blouse while waiting in line at the bank.
  • No, you may NOT drive - you're 3!
  • There is nothing funny about the word crotch.
  • There is also nothing funny about passing gas in public, or anywhere else
    for that matter.
  • Strangers aren't interested in your bathroom triumphs.
  • Go wash your hands. In the bathroom. IN THE SINK!!!!!! With water. AND soap!!! And dry them. Did you turn off the water? (it shouldn't be this hard…)
  • Keep your pants up until you get INTO the bathroom…
  • AIM, please! (goes with) FLUSH!
  • Who put this dead frog under the couch cushion?
  • Leave your dress DOWN!
  • A fork is NOT a hairbrush, I don't care WHAT the Little Mermaid does!
  • Don't pick your nose, and EAT it. (Try saying this without invoking the gag reflex. Seriously.)
  • Leave that strange dog alone - he's foaming at the mouth!
  • Take that crayon out of your nose!
  • Remember, your napkin is your friend!
  • You CANNOT flush sweaters down the toilet!
  • That lizard really ought to go back outside with his family.
  • DO NOT stick paper clips in the electrical outlets!!!
  • Put your clothes back on. We're in the MALL, for goodness' sake!
  • The dreaded: "Where did you get that gum?!?!?!?
  • And the subsequent: "Don't put it in your hair - Don't put it in your hair - DON'T … aw, nuts!

It's no wonder that at the end of the day, we moms look a little frazzled. We've spent all day REPEATING these indelicate reminders, knowing full well how charming they sound to all within earshot. Including ourselves.

THIS is the essence of femininity. The trick, I hear, is to carry it off with some dignity. Can you imagine the Queen asking a youthful Charles if he'd flushed? Without the "third party advantage," I mean. No, I just don't see how it can be done with anything approaching aplomb.

But I'm working it.


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© 2000, Susan Kawa, All rights reserved.