Rock My World

I took my kids rock climbing this past weekend. Indoor rock climbing, mind you, but all the same an activity involving heights, harnesses, and a waiver form as long as your arm. I don't know what I was thinking.

"I, the undersigned understand that rock climbing is a ridiculously dangerous sport. Nevertheless, I am here of my own free will for the express and singular purpose of rendering myself paralyzed, deceased, and/or otherwise broken into shard-sized pieces. <initial here>

"These nice people here at ACME Rock Climbing Gym were minding their own business, when I approached them at gunpoint, demanding they rent me a harness and/or other safety (Ha!) gear - despite their repeated warnings and pleas to the contrary. <initial here>

"I hereby release them from all liability for my foolhardy behavior - the fact that they own/operate and heavily advertise this sort of death trap being no excuse for my own personal lunacy. <initial here>

"Oh, and I'm bringing my young children."
<signed>
S. Kawa (Irresponsible mother.)

In order to participate, I was required to take a "Belay Class." In case you're not familiar, "Belay" means - to catch or hold with a rope a climber descending (or plummeting, as the case may be) from great heights, ideally arresting his/her fall in order to prevent massive brain injury. In case that's too complicated, an easy mnemonic is:
belay = delay (death.)

Imagine how good Golf is sounding about now.

I always sort of thought that the whole idea of rock climbing was to NOT fall from great heights. But I soon learned that this "belay" technique also comes in handy to lower a climber who has gotten tired and cranky, or has to go potty right now.

Yes, it's good to pay attention to your belay instructor. Especially when your climber is in charge of taking care of you into your old age.

Anyway, I have no real explanation as to why I chose this particular extracurricular activity. In some circles I suppose Rock Climbing considered "good family entertainment" - you know, along with bungee jumping, swimming through shark-infested waters, and perhaps joining the circus.

Its primary selling point, from my vantage, is that it doesn't require that I block off approximately 175% of my free time (including weekends) and it doesn't entail carting my kid(s) hither and yon around the state for competitions and/or fresh parental fist fights. Plus, you never have to be in charge of "team refreshments."

It has nothing to do with being legally able to strap my kids into harnesses and tie them up. Without going to jail. Ahem.

I was advised (by the guy taking my money) that rock climbing is also great for building coordination, stamina, confidence, and cognitive problem-solving abilities - which a mild concussion is unlikely to entirely nullify. And it's always best, he added, to start kids out on these gravity-sensitive sports before they learn the first thing about Isaac Newton.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) my kids both loved it. Even Abby, a petite, pigtailed 5 year old, scampered up that 30-foot wall like she was made of helium. She wasn't so good at the rappel down, but her face didn't hit too many rock nubs in the process.

Her brother had more experience going in, what with all the trees in our yard. He really worries me. Especially when he asks things like, "does the Statue of Liberty have hand-holds all the way up the outside?"

Let me say right now that I'm happy to take full responsibility for the error of my ways, as long as it doesn't include the cost of re-facing a national monument.

In fact, I'd prefer not to take this into the great outdoors at all - which is where most national monuments are conveniently stored. Besides, if God had meant for us to climb real rocks, he wouldn't have invented fiberglass, now, would he?