MOMMARAMA

Reality (Minus the TV)

Who needs writers?! (Perish the thought.) Let's just throw half dozen people into a fishbowl, and make them do stupid things!

Only adults can watch this stuff. From a kid's perspective, it's just business as usual.

Kids experience new, frightening situations on a daily basis, armed only with a steadfast belief in their own immortality, a misguided sense of what constitutes 'a long time," and an underdeveloped ability to embarrass.

Reality unfolds at our house, not just in prime-time, but daytime, dinnertime, late-night, early morning, and every moment in-between. Time segments that Reality TV has yet to fully exploit (but give it a year.)

At our house, we call "stunts" chores. We call "eating challenges" vegetables. We call "competition" sibling rivalry. And we call Mom "The Host".

Host: Good morning! Welcome to "Kawa-Mania" Your first stunt today will be: picking up your dirty clothes, and putting them in the hamper. The trick is to do this without getting distracted, and you will be timed. The fastest two competitors will advance to the next round.

Competitors: Aw, Mom! Do we HAVE to?

Host: On your mark. Get set. GO!

Competitor 1: I have to go to the bathroom…

<HOOOOOOOOONK!>

Host: Tough break. I guess I'm going to have to send you packing. Better luck next show!

Competitor 1: But… but… <hook>

Host: Time for round 2: The Gross-Out Challenge! In order to advance to round 3, you will each have to eat…an entire. Bowl. Of FRUIT SALAD! Get a load of this! <stirring wickedly> We've got here: melon, grapes, bananas, apples, and some walnuts. Mmmmmmm.

Competitors: Eeeeeeeeewwww! Now WAY. Aw, GROSS. <retching visuals>

Competitor 2: What's the prize again?

Host: Never mind that. You still have about 72 more rounds, and the last one is really going to knock you for a loop. It's: "sleeping alone in a dark bedroom, with only a single 15-watt night light."

Competitor 2: No FAIR!

~~~~~~~~~

Reality TV shows just have more silicone, and fewer clothes, is all.

The competitions are no worse than an empty passenger-side front seat can bring about on its own accord; No more dangerous than fetching a Frisbee off the roof. Eliminations no more heart-wrenching than sending a six-year-old packing (to her room) when she won't choke down a beet without projectile vomiting on the host.

There is the TV allure, however, of seeing it happen to OTHER people. It used to be you had to watch "Malcolm in the Middle" to get that kind of satisfaction.

Tomorrow on Kawa-Mania, we'll see our competitors compete in at least three of the following challenges.

Balance: Clear your breakfast dishes without spilling maple syrup on the floor.
Timed Search/Retrieve: Find a matching pair of socks.
Memory: What did your mother JUST say? (tie breaker: Where did you leave your red jacket?)
Endurance: Stand in line for up to 30 whole minutes at the bank. Without complaining. Or having to go to the bathroom. Twice.
Humiliation: Submit to a haircut.
Puzzle Solving: Fold a shirt. Correctly.
Speed/Agility: Put your toys away before company arrives.

In Kawa-Mania, winners and losers alike progress to the next day, and compete once again. No money. No glory. No mercy. Just good training for life. And Reality TV.