The Pact

I've heard musings that there can't possibly be UFOs in secret government custody because of the unlikelihood that something that big could be kept secret. The conspiracy would have been too big, and it would have surely been all over the news, because of the human tendency to blab.

While I agree that some secrets are hard to keep under wraps, and people are notoriously unreliable in that area, I disagree that huge, colossal secrets can't be effectively kept.. Because I'm a party to it every day.

My secrets are part of a universal conspiracy. They don't fall out of any signed statement, or coercion. They are understood by their keepers as paramount to the very survival of our species. And they are still intact, from the first moment of applicability, for thousands of years, and even today, information age or no.

I'm talking about the TRUE scoop on pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting.

We simply do NOT tell our child-free friends what it's really like. Because if we did, humanity would slowly taper and die off - which is what probably happened 2 or 3 times, before God instilled the innate knowledge that this stuff is SECRET, and "The Pact" began.

The Pact says that we can't tell our girlfriends what how pregnancy REALLY feels. We tell them some glossed-over stuff about how it's a little uncomfortable, but oh my goodness, the JOY, and the MIRACLE of it all…

I didn't see this line come out in "Alien". Mostly it was just a lot of screaming. Add a little incontinence and some hefty heartburn, and in my opinion, you're a bit closer to the truth.

The pact says that you've got to similarly water down the whole birthing experience. To which I can only say: TEN CENTIMETERS DIAMETER. Do you think they just accidentally put it in metric?

The influence of The Pact extends to legal adulthood, but is no more powerful than during the infant and toddler years. The teens may be emotionally rockier, but by then The Pact has lost some of its insistence, and you're allowed to legitimately gripe about your kids. During those first few years, your life is taken over and commanded by a person even less rational than your worst boss. I'm not allowed to go into details here, but when you consider who's sleeping and who ISN'T, you may get a glimmer of the pecking order.

What's most amazing is that The Pact is so pervasive. Even our closest adult bonds, our firmest friendships can't supersede its strength. But then, with any responsibility comes reward - and it's not a completely thankless situation in that respect. We DO get to savor the fruit of our efforts in a profoundly personal way. And we DO ultimately get to enjoy watching our friends and family "take the plunge", knowing what entertainment it promises.

The truth is out there.