"No Parent Left Behind"

In a fairly recent development, Florida politicians have rallied behind the "No Parent Left Behind!" public education battle cry, and began at long last holding schools responsible for demonstrable improvement in the science education of elementary school parents.

This year, my 3^rd grader was sent home with a stack of paperwork rivaling the Manhattan telephone directory - and therein (ref pg 132, section 3, paragraph 5) was ordered to submit, three months hence, a science project - complete with hypothesis, conclusion, and actual research, all of which are very long words with lots of syllables.

Scientific method is under-emphasized these days, it's true: Children are too often taught what to think, instead of how to think. Placing value on science curriculum, and in particular school-age science fairs seems (on the surface) like a reasonable way to raise scientific competency and awareness. But the methods involved in signing one's name to one's parent's work isn't exactly scientific--although it does teach them a lot about the what and how of the business of education.

We all know what's going on here (even the kids.) If the school officials wanted students to do their own science projects, they would send home a one-page instruction sheet with little checkboxes next to each step.

But, you see, a collection of lame elementary school science projects just doesn't buy the votes it used to.

Judges don't even pretend to value age-appropriate independent contributions of kids. They want a cure for cancer, and by golly they're looking for all the ideas they can get! Why should the research biologists have to shoulder the entire burden?

I can accept that a 3^rd grader dreamed up an experiment to taste-test different kinds of craft glue. But the 9-year-old that designed a miniature, fully operable nuclear power plant? That one was a bit iffy. Well, hey, good for the dad! I'm sure he deserved that ribbon!

Frankly, my most ambitious hope for my 3^rd grader is not that he will be able to put together something remotely resembling a scientific prop in a Hollywood laboratory set. It is that he will wear clean underwear and remember to NOT pick his nose during the judging. But maybe that's just me.

Inspired in the name of science, I took on a personal research project; I went through a bunch of boxes in my garage and found some of my own 3^rd grade work. Note to self: "Future science project: How long does it take a grade-school bowling trophy to biodegrade?"

I'll admit, I am not necessarily a representative example, as I was one of the brainy kids in my class. I know this because I was always picked last for kickball. In high school, the brainy kids don't always get passed over like in grade school - because the captain of the team usually recognizes the need for someone to keep score and collect statistics. In elementary school, brains are valued even less than a big, obstructive head, when it comes to kickball. But I digress.

Anyway, like I was saying: I was one of the smart ones. And the following is my crowning achievement of intellectual prowess in 3^rd grade, if you don't count the time I plagiarized "Beowulf" and claimed to have written it myself.

I feel compelled to point out that I subsequently grew up, did very well on my SATs, and even went to college. So this level of 3^rd grade work, based on my sample size of one, and considering I wasn't hit by lightning or dropped on my head afterward, constitutes age-appropriate 3^rd grade science composition.

It's not technically a science project, but clearly all it lacks in that respect is an experimentally measured distance from the sun to Jupiter (with my Dad's best tape measure) and a handy picture - with arrows - demonstrating that, in fact, Jupiter WAS (still is!) the 5^th planet, whether you counted backwards from Pluto, or forward from Mercury. 

I didn't do an actual science project until I was in, oh, 6^th grade or so. And it was LAME, let me tell you - although it stands out as my first terrifying foray into the adult reference section of the public library. I didn't win a prize or anything. The kid that won systematically poisoned a goldfish with tablespoonfuls of Jack Daniels until they died, therefore concluding, "Fish shouldn't drink."

Nowadays you have to come up with a better design for space shuttle tiles to even get honorable mention.

And It's not just the science fair. Another offshoot of this parental educational thrust is the "invention assignment." Each year, kids need to invent something, and turn it in for a grade. Or, rather, their parents have to invent something. (I wonder if we'll be expected to fill out and submit the patent paperwork, too - or if that's considered 4^th grade work?) Never mind parents have plenty of other non-invention related responsibilities like keeping food on tables and roofs over heads.

My son decided to invent a three-story tree house. He even went so far as to develop a 7500 square foot floor plan and a 3-week construction schedule with milestones, by which Dad could build it. How very organized. His backup invention is a robot that will clean his room.

How about a robot that will do his next science project for him?