Mickey Mouse Minefield

I don't care what they tell you, if you've got children, stay as far away from Disney World as you can!

All those happy folks in the ads - the smiling children in the commercials - they're ACTORS. Or animatronic. Or computer-generated. My point is that if you take REAL children to one of these parks, hang on for dear life. And be prepared to leave there financially and emotionally demolished, ready to check into the nearest parenting seminar.

It's a well known fact that though honeymooners and retirees often have the time of their lives at Disney parks, parents with (particularly small) children routinely require treatment for post-traumatic stress syndrome for years following a day at the Magic Kingdom.

The fault, I think, lies in our fundamental desire to make our children's lives happy and comfortable. This is a HUGE mistake.

If you expect to have any CHANCE of enjoying a theme park vacation with your kids, you should start months ahead of time, and train like crazy. Same as a marathon, which from most angles looks pretty much the same, only more relaxing.
Start off depriving your children of food and water, except at ridiculously infrequent intervals. Say, mealtimes. I know it seems awfully cruel, but trust me on this one. You could feed a third-world country on what it costs to snack your way across a Disney theme park, besides being prevented via time consideration from partaking in other tidbits of entertainment offered, such as rides.

Force your children to WALK during the course of their regular daily routine. That's right, leave the stroller in the car, and let 'em hoof it AT LEAST to the entrance of the grocery store. I realize you'll have to incarcerate them in the cart seat (I'm not crazy,) but actually letting them auto-propel their bodies that 50 or 60 feet will really pay off when you hit a major park.

Note that stamina at playgrounds DOES NOT convert to walking stamina, as there are no swings, monkey bars, and slides to tease them onward at each step (though some miniature rolling configuration might prove more useful than one of those Disney issue square-wheeled strollers.)

Practice saying "No" to your kids. Introduce the word, and get them used to the sound, so that it doesn't take them completely unaware. I'd suggest building up to a 100% "No" occurrence peak approximately 72 hours prior to departure. Be prepared to have a complete reverse slide the moment "Yes" makes it's first appearance. That's why you need those 72 hours - to fake them out a few times.

Make them stand in the corner for long intervals. This in effect deprives them of TV, video games, computer games, books, Legos, conversation, and stimulation - much like waiting in line for rides. If you don't train properly for this, you're doomed from the get-go. Kids aren't used to sensory deprivation these days, and will creatively deal with the situation by driving their parents insane. Which, but the way, is usually something they HAVE trained for.

Being able to pee on demand is paramount. Teach them how to use bathroom facilities BEFORE their bladder reaches explosive capacity. Three seconds is usually not enough time to get from your current location to a public restroom, presuming you can find one. Restrooms are charmingly camouflaged at these places.

Last but not least, attempt to remove the word "want" from their vocabulary. Swear words, frankly, are much less offensive. On this one, you'll have to use your own creativity, but I've found that squirt guns and rubber-band shooters work pretty well. These techniques also will teach them that a little rain and a few insect bites ARE survivable incidents.

Believe me, the worst monsters at these parks are the VISITING ones.