Now You See Me...

Hold on to your hat, I have an announcement:
I. . .
Have secret paranormal powers. No, really, I do!

Not that "eyes in back of my head" thing. Or that ability to conjure a band-aid, tissue, or beverage out of nowhere. Or distinguish "MOM!" yelled by my own child from "MOM!" yelled by any one of some 2-billion others. Or function as a reliable household lie-detector, with specific skill regarding exaggerated tales of tooth-brushing.

All Moms have those powers.

*I have the power of invisibility!

The evidence has been mounting. For example, sometimes when I tell my children to clean up their rooms, they act as if they can neither see nor hear me. This also occurs when I tell them to turn off the TV and read a book. Later when questioned, they maintain "What? When? We didn't hear you…"

I had almost chalked this up to normal kid behavior, when I started noticing that the phenomenon wasn't limited to my children, or even my home environment. It happens in open, public places as well.

I am usually completely unaware that I am invisible until the behavior of others leads me to the invariable conclusion that "it's happened again!"

Once, I was in the line at the airport, and a man cut right in front of me, like I wasn't there.  This also happened at the post office. Twice!

People sometimes let a door slam shut in my face, when it would take only the tiniest effort to hold it open just one more second. And often in a crowded waiting room, not a single young man will give up his seat - inexplicable if it weren't the direct result of my invisibility.

In department stores, frequently the salespeople do not see or hear me. Though there seems to be some eerie invisibility side effect of this phenomenon, as some store clerk "sensitives" high-tail it in the other direction.

At the customer service desk in one establishment, the woman behind the counter continued her very loud personal conversation on the telephone, even as I stood right in front of her for nearly 10 minutes.

I wondered, as I waited, if I should pick up the pen and "float it" through the air for her benefit. If nothing else, it would have surely made her conversation more interesting.

Ultimately I was forced to leave and come back later, when visible.

I was once seated in a restaurant for some 30 minutes before I finally went in search of a server. She was shocked and apologetic at the oversight. Perhaps it should have been I who apologized. That pesky invisibility thing!

Invisible people should make it a point to keep with them loud and unruly children, or possibly carry an air horn. Out of sheer courtesy.

Once I deduced the obvious cause all of these odd and unsettling experiences (invisibility!) I did a little research. And wouldn't you know it, this is a documented phenomenon. There are many articles on "Human Spontaneous Involuntary Invisibility" (HSII for short.) Scientists and historians have written actual papers on this. It's on the Internet! It MUST be true!

In fact, HSII been a documented source of interest for centuries (even before restaurants and department stores came into vogue!)

Invisibility, they write, is usually associated with a person of high spiritual attainment: a group I'm somewhat surprised to find myself in (not that I'm complaining.) I always figured I was pretty middle-of-the-road when it came to enlightenment. But I'll happily accept the suggestion that I'm better than all you little people.

Sadly, this power of invisibility isn't something I have control over. This corresponds with research findings: Only yoga gurus and other extremely flexible spiritualists can wield their invisibility with purposeful skill. I can't even touch my toes.

I just wish it weren't "Involuntary". This invisibility thing would otherwise be quite useful. As it stands, the onus is on me to be extra careful, so as not to be trampled by unsuspecting packs of back-to-school shoppers, or skewered by children running with scissors.

Frankly, I'm not sure I'll have the extra energy to exercise the level of vigilance required of HSII sufferers.

I also worry that symptoms will get worse with age. Will I ever find a department store clerk to help me? Will I fade into the background as my children grow up?

Not as long as I have my trusty air horn!