Honeymoon Help

The Holy Grail of the wedding process, as everyone knows, is… okay, well besides the dress, and the cake, and those fabulous shoes, and being the center of attention for hours on end…no really, it's the Honeymoon.

There are a few very important points to remember while planning this signature trip. First, the fact that it deserves the adjective "signature" doesn't mean it necessarily has to involve three continents. In fact, given the circumstances, you may want to save that sort of trip for your 10^th anniversary, when frankly, you'll need a few months away from your heathen children, and can seriously commit your energy reserves to things like "treks" and riding exotic mammals. For this particular trip, you'll want to be spending your energy on other things.

First and foremost, forget destination. Done properly, most Honeymooners won't remember the difference between the French Riviera and the broom closet at Helen's Handi-Wash. And what with advancements in photo-processing software these days, you can always add in your backgrounds later.

On to activities. No, not that activity. You're on your own there. I was talking about other necessary Honeymoon activities. Such as…

Packing.
You'll each need to pack (1) a toothbrush and (2) a change of clothes (for your return trip.) Got it? Actually, now that I think of it, if the trip lasts a week or so, you really don't need a change of clothes. People will assume you've been through a wash cycle, so you're covered.

If you have ambitions of actually getting out and "seeing the sights" as it were, I would suggest taking along a few extra outfits. Unless you happen to be honeymooning at a nudist colony, which I think we can all agree would be a complete waste. Anyhow, for these outings, a new husband will prefer to wear his wife, and the new wife will prefer to wear a cute little number that screams "boutique" with matching strappy sandals. Pack accordingly.

Dining.
Please remember to eat. Actual meals, with vegetables and protein, and non-plastic utensils. By definition you are adults; you should eat like adults. Besides, if you forget to refuel, somebody's likely to get a tad peevish - and that sort of thing is best saved for later in the marriage.

Bathing.
After extensive research, mostly consisting of reviewing my personal Honeymoon photo album, I would like to point out that most Honeymoon-ish hotel rooms offer nice big tubs for purposes of communal bathing, and boat races. I'll give you a little tip for free here. When snapping coy bubble bath pictures of your spouse in said tub-of-joy, note that the walls are completely mirrored, and that you, in fact, are probably nude. Enough said.

Things to avoid.
You should never, ever, as part of a bona-fide honeymoon, or in lieu of a trip, take on a creative project together. Okay, maybe baby-making, but that's your call. I was talking about projects like wallpapering a room or rebuilding an engine. First of all, these activities are difficult to do naked, which everybody knows is one of your major criteria for Honeymoon activities. But even more importantly, the whole point is to stay married for the entire duration of the trip, and ideally even longer. Activities such as the ones I mentioned are not at all conducive to continued matrimony, when undertaken in the first three years of marriage.

Upon your return.
When people ask you about your trip - pay attention here - they are just being nice. The standard protocol is to smile knowingly (something less than Cheshire-like would be prudent) and vaguely mention the lovely scenery and/or crystal blue water/sky/swimming pool/neon motel sign (whichever) and  - are you still with me? - leave it at that. I know it's hard, but you'll have to trust me on this one, a few states have some pretty strange laws on the books, and you wouldn't want to end up in the pokey eight days into the game.

Finally: Photo albums.
Obviously you'll need TWO. It would behoove you to CLEARLY MARK which one is for public viewing. I'm just saying.

And that is really all you need to know(1). Now get out there and Honeymoon!

---------------------------------------------------

(1) She lied.