Advice for the Groom

The typical groom will have many questions about his wedding. These questions will range from etiquette issues to matters of attire - but make no mistake, they will all reflect the complete lack of nuptial preparation and focus that we women instinctively develop before age five.

I'm providing the following Q-and-A guide to brides-to-be, since we know bloody well that men don't read advice columns, or any other instructions, for that matter. Using this handy guide, brides may channel their womanly resources and energy toward maintaining the placid face of patience necessary for effective delivery.

Groom: Why do we have to have a big wedding? Wouldn't a simple ceremony be better?

Answer: Large ceremonies are GOOD. Most of life's really great occasions are marked by big, complicated ceremonies. The Superbowl, for example. Or Christmas. You want an example of a simple ceremony? Circumcision.

Groom: Do I really have to wear a tuxedo?

Answer: Absolutely not. If you would prefer to wear something other than a tuxedo, simply wear what you would like to be buried in.

Groom: Do we have to write our own vows?

Answer: The bride is usually delighted to write her own vows. In fact, she probably already has them put away in a shoebox somewhere, after creating them by committee at her sweet-sixteen slumber party. If the groom prefers to pass on this duty, his future mother-in-law will be happy to supply him with an appropriate script.

Groom: But why do we have to have the wedding on <pick a day> - that's the day of the BIG GAME!

Answer: Only professional sports players are allowed to play this card. The groom's lack of foresight in choosing an occupation should, in all fairness, not be held against his bride. Furthermore, everybody knows that choosing a date for a wedding has nothing to do with sentiment, and everything to do with the simultaneous availability of the reception hall, wedding official, caterer, florist, rental chairs, and six dresses in the bridesmaid's colors. Frankly, it would be more reasonable to write to your national sports association, kindly requesting they reschedule.

Groom: What do you mean, my brother isn't allowed to be Best Man?

Answer: While the selection of "Best Man" is usually the sole responsibility of the groom, the bride will invariably have much better taste. If she has a major problem with the groom's selection, he'd just as well suck it up and go with her gut instinct. It's good practice for married life, anyway. Here are some rules-of-thumb to help you determine if the groom's brother maybe isn't Best Man material: 1) he works for NASA and is planning to be in space on the day of the wedding, 2) He wears dresses in public (consider for "bridesmaid") 3) The groom and his brother can't spend five seconds with each other without one of them ending up in a headlock 4) All of the above.

Groom: Can't we have ribs at the reception?

Answer: Only if the bride is wearing a barbeque sauce colored dress. Take a minute to review traditional wedding food and drink: champagne (which is white) cake (white with white frosting) chicken (white meat!) and salad with bleu cheese dressing (which is really white.) This is so that the traditional bride, festooned in (you guessed it) white, will look fetching even after she takes a header into the buffet table in a bizarre conga line accident. The question remains, what does the groom value more: a fetching bride, or a whole mess of ribs. This may be a rhetorical question.

Groom: Will I have to dance at the reception?

Answer: Not if you are a paraplegic.

Groom: What do you mean, I'm supposed to get you a gift? I thought that's what the guests were for…

Answer: It is traditional for the groom to purchase a wedding gift for his new bride. This is really an advance apology gift for the countless marital mistakes the groom will make, such as asking her "what happened to your hair?" or telling her that the pants do, indeed, make her look fat. As such, the gift should be understated and/or apologetic in nature, and should, under no circumstances be red and lacy. The more valuable the gift, the more apology mileage it will garner.

Remember, brides-to-be, it's not only worth the effort to educate them early and often, it's good practice! I hope this tutorial will go a long way toward ironing out the wrinkles in your nuptial roadmap.