April Fools Day

Being a consummate practical joker, it's never too soon for me to be plotting for my big day: April 1^st.

This is a day my husband dreads: his pit of black despair, because he's pretty much my primary target, and I never miss. He has made it one of his major life goals to get through an April Fools Day unscathed. It's not going to happen, but goals are a very important part of life, and far be it from ME to rob him of hope.

It was kind of unfair at the start. I went easy on him while we were dating, so when he popped the question, he really didn't know what he was in for. I come from a long line of practical jokers, you see.

I know I'm at least a 4^th generation PJer, because just recently I heard a story about the time my Great Grandmother, one Halloween in the early 1900s, dressing up in full regalia, and sneaked around from the back to ring the doorbell. When my Great Grandfather opened the door, he didn't recognize her, and kindly invited her in while he rummaged around for some treats. Whereupon she began picking up knick-knacks one-by-one, examining them in the light, and dropping them into her bag. This could get you shot today, but it was pretty funny way back when.

My Mother was actually BORN on April 1^st, and if that doesn't obligate you to have a healthy sense of humor, I don't know what does. She taught me well.

I usually confine my major shenanigans to April 1^st. Because I figure you have to be TRULY good to  "get" people on the day they're expecting it most. The rest of the year it's too easy.

My single criterion for practical jokes is that they have to be harmlessly funny: no one gets hurt or (excessively) humiliated, and nothing gets damaged. The ultimate in "taking things too far," for example, would be to conceive a child on April Fools Day, thus relegating him to a mid-December birthday - with the hilarious consequences of gypping him, for his whole life, in the birthday department.

To be fair, the victim MUST be able to admit that it's funny. Even if it takes him a day or two to fully appreciate the beauty of it. This is a lost art.

While I'm unable to clue you in about THIS years' plans, lest my husband get wind of it, I can certainly give you some of the highlights of recent years.

Like the time, early in our marriage (before he became more careful about these things), that my dear husband had the lack of foresight to schedule a Termite Inspection on the 1^st of April. In my opinion, he just WALKED into that one. Naturally, when he called for status, I informed him that the bookshelf in the living room had caved in under the rigors of thumping, and gave him some technical sounding mumbo-jumbo I'd gotten from the helpful inspector.

Then there was the year I put a rubber snake in the trashcan, beneath the liner. Usually my gags are a little more intellectual than this, but you can't underestimate the classics.

Once the poor dear began steeling himself a week ahead of time. He informed me in his most resolute baritone that there was NO WAY I was going to get him this time. Which in my book qualifies as an out-and-out dare. So the next day I headed RIGHT down to the local Honda dealership, and had them cut me a random car key, complete with the identical fancy plastic grip. I had to explain it a couple of times ("No - I DON'T have a key to copy. I want a WRONG key!") but once they got it, the news spread like wildfire. They even refused to take the $8.50, instead insisting I call to let them know how it turned out.

On the morning of this particular April 1^st, I switched the key on his key chain while he was in the shower, and had myself a nice big breakfast while I waited for his attempted departure. I have to say I tried really hard not to laugh when he walked back in the house with that puzzled expression. But keeping a straight face isn't my strong point in the process. He just COULDN'T figure it out, till he saw my smirk, and the proffered (correct) key. Defeated, he took it, and walked away.

30 seconds later, he came FLYING back through the door, claiming his car had sprung a leak, and DARN IT, this was the worst timing!!!… By then I was rolling on the floor, because I'd sneaked out and poured a quart of water onto the garage floor about 5 minutes earlier. He's so easy!

I outdid myself last year, when I sewed his underwear fly shut. He called from work around mid-morning, and simply asked: "How many did you do?"

All of them.

I hear they're afraid of me, where he works.
But I have to say that he's been a pretty good sport about it all. With the possible exception of the name-calling that followed the automobile double-whammy.

I know someday he's going to band together with some of the other poor souls I've gotten the better of, and together they're going to get me BUT GOOD.

I have to admit I have it coming.

* eMail me your best April Fools idea. Remember: harmlessly funny!