Flu-Like Symptoms

Uh oh.
I'm "experiencing flu-like symptoms."

This is a serious problem because, besides being generally uncomfortable and an annoying impediment to my daily routine, it could mean that I have contracted any one of a lengthy list of alarming diseases and maladies. None of which would bode well for the marathon of errands I had planned for this week (you know, as opposed to my normal, leisurely week.)

I looked it up (because I'm compulsive that way) and this is what I found. Flu-like symptoms could mean I have:

  • Carbon monoxide poisoning
  • Sick building syndrome (Nope. I am MUCH smaller than a building, and not nearly as lumpy.)
  • Food poisoning
  • Chicken Pox
  • Lyme disease
  • Encephalitis (yikes.)
  • A veritable fiesta of gastrointestinal disorders (burp.)
  • Melanoma
  • Drug withdrawal symptoms (does caffeine count?)
  • Malaria (it *is mosquito season…)
  • Reaction to medication, including Remeron and Botox (I don't know what these are, but I think I ordered something like that at a Chinese restaurant last week.)
  • Fungal infections (eew.)
  • Meningitis
  • Legionnaire's Disease
  • Listeriosis - an illness caused by monocytogenes, a kind of bacteria often found in soil and water (and I have BOTH soil and water in my yard!)
  • The deadly Hantavirus
  • Aids
  • That "Chimera" virus from the movie MI2
Or (hold on to your hat)
  • FLU.

Flu-like symptoms are the "tastes like chicken" of the disease world. They vaguely indicate that you may need to see a doctor. Or maybe not. You should probably wait and see. Unless it's Hantavirus or Chimera. Then you should definitely get your ass (but quick) into one of those clear plastic tents like in all of the deadly epidemic movies. Apparently viruses are really really afraid of clear plastic tents.

They sell all kinds of over-the-counter medication for flu-like symptoms. I have a few in my medicine cabinet (85% of you can check, if you ever come over.) I notice that on the back of these medications, in the tiny lettering section that only children and lawyers can read, it says that if symptoms persist for more than three days, see a doctor. Last I checked non-lethal garden variety flu lasts 7-10 days. Shouldn't the recommendation say 7-10?

But what if it ISN'T flu (and I think we can agree, given the laundry list above, the deck is stacked against it.) What if it's carbon monoxide poisoning? Shouldn't you get to the doctor immediately?

Maybe they just took the average:
Flu, 9 days.
Carbon monoxide poisoning, 0 days.
Mystery epidemics, hantavirus, and meningitis, 0 days.
Malaria, oh about 3.
Fungus, 6? That sounds about right.
Average:  3.
Close enough for government work.

Really. I feel just awful here. The aches! The pains! Considering the alternatives, maybe I'll just call it Chicken Pox and be done with it.

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© 2001, Susan Kawa, All rights reserved.