On Fashion

I just heard that Martha Stewart made Hollywood's "Worst Dressed" list.

Not to be caught publicly defending her or anything, but the woman transplants shrubbery! How are you supposed to pull off "stylish" when you're up to your elbows in DIRT? Or flour? Or Spray starch, for that matter? What? Are you supposed to make your own soap wearing sequins?

I understood when they pointed the gnarly accusatory fashion-police finger at Cher. She lives for this. Besides, it's a given nobody in their right mind would adopt her patented tar-and-feather image for the PTO circuit. That's the whole POINT. You're SUPOPOSED to be stuck on the outfit, so you don't pick up on the fact that she can't sing, and doesn't move much, on account of all the surgeries have left her with no additional skin for that sort of thing.

Celine, normally, I find quite elegant. But frankly, she should stick with the "tarpon dresses." The backward tuxedo was such a blatant error that she deserves a slap. Who does she think she is? Madonna?

Martha's "look" is at least ACHIEVABLE, unlike anything else she does. It's comfortable, and homey. She's the last celebrity, I think, to be seen publicly in natural fibers. That would be "non-recycled non-petroleum-based fibers" for you younger readers. They used to be quite popular.

I don't know what we're supposed to do now. Tar and feathers is out. Backward formalwear is out. Underwear on the outside is out (this was an awfully convenient trend for me, since it coincided with the birth of my daughter, and the early breastfeeding months when I sometimes found myself in public places with rather mixed-up ensembles. But I digress.) Now wool and denim get the axe?

I think there may be something certifiably wrong with me, because when I look through the likes of "Vogue" magazine, I see NOTHING I find wearable, or even remotely attractive. Even the models look hideous in this new stuff. Has the whole world gone mad?

Apparently our only reliable fashion instructors these days are Sharon, who's apparently figured out that underwear isn't all that uncomfortable since they invented microfiber (and belongs on the INSIDE,) and Gwyneth.

Oh, right, I can pull THAT off! After they invent liposuction for, well, EVERYTHING.

My hat-tip to fashion has traditionally been limited to where I part my hair. Center, side, or "all over the road" (another good one for breastfeeding months.) Below the neck, I haven't a chance. And even if I DID, I'm pretty sure it takes access to consumer credit in the approximate amount of the gross national product of Europe to keep up. You think Wall Street moves fast…

I propose a MASS REBELLION! This is a really wild idea, and I'm probably going to be carted away for even suggesting it, but why don't we <whisper> just wear whatever we like, as long as it covers most of the important parts?…

WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN TO NOTIFY YOU THAT THE COLUMNIST HAS EXCEEDED HER ALOTTED OPINION. PLEASE TUNE IN TO "FRIENDS," CONVENIENTLY IN SYNDICATION, FOR YOUR REMEDIAL FASHION INSTRUCTION. THANK YOU.