The Equipment

I don't know why it is that fathers routinely assume that it's the Mom's duty to teach bathroom habits to little boys. I concede that by definition we at least have a passing acquaintance with the equipment, but how that qualifies us to teach the fine points of creative urination, I'll never understand.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

This has never been more true than when applied to this delicate issue. I faced the grim reality of it all a few years back when my son turned three. No, he wasn't potty trained by the time was 18 months old. So sue me.

I realized immediately that there was a stand/sit issue that I didn't know quite how to approach. Clearly, from a convenience aspect, all moms want their sons to sit. This is because we get really tired of mopping up what misses, when an interesting sound or thought causes a mid-stream aiming error. Which happens approximately 142% of the time.

I finally broke down and asked my husband to please instruct me on some of the finer points, so that I wouldn't wake up one day to find that I'd doomed my son to a lifetime of getting beat up in public restrooms.

When to stand? When to sit? Do you "fish," or unbuckle? Are there any Public vs. Private behavior subtleties? What amount of conversation and/or singing constitutes "too much?" How to deal with the "last hurrah?"  How much creativity is appropriate? And what are the personal (self) contact duration rules?

It may seem simple to you gentlemen, but for goodness sake - help us out here!

My husband was essentially NO help, instead opting to flee the scene with a somewhat frightened look on his face. What? I'm just ASKING….

I resorted to calling my big brother, who to my complete surprise was quite helpful and informative. After I sat through about 52 stories about how much of a pain in the lower posterior I used to be, way back when. Apparently, I'm losing my touch.

Anyhow, we even went into the number 2 issue (Advanced Bathroom Etiquette 201, prerequisite: Perfect Peeing 101.) I actually found those concepts easier, since all restraint and delicacy issues that women routinely face are simply ignored, or in some cases, reversed. Cognitive transposition has never been a big problem for me.

Now that my son is six, the big problem is when to let him fend for himself. Clearly, sometimes this isn't prudent, so the question arises: when is he too old to accompany ME into the Ladies room? He can read, you see, and therefore KNOWS it's a blow to his masculinity. Plus he notices WAY too much - like that the stalls don't reach to the floor, and isn't it fun to escape?

My dear husband helpfully cleared up this issue with a patent proclamation that "All men's rooms are disgusting." Thereby conveniently volleying that plum responsibility into my court, presumably for the balance of time.

So when we go out, I get to spend most of my time in restrooms with two children. Truthfully, this is why I don't have THREE children. The stalls are just too small. Plus, what if I had another boy? I know about as much about the equipment as I ever care to know.