The Energy Crisis and You

I received the following email at my place of business recently:

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am a University student working on a senior business project regarding the recent explosion of energy and natural gas prices. Please tell me how your company has dealt with this recent jump in cost.
I appreciate any help you can give me,
Nick P. Student

Naturally, I felt compelled to assist Nick in his quest for answers. I'm helpful that way.

Hi, Nick.
Yes, Higher energy costs have caused us to change our usage habits a tad.

The first thing you will notice if you visit our place-of-business is that the automatic sliding doors do not open "automatically" as advertised. You kind of have to claw them apart, so bring the handle to your car jack. That's what we all do around here.

You'll also notice some crime scene tape blocking off elevator access. Don't be alarmed. That's just to remind us to take the stairs.
 
Here at my place-of-business, we have lots of computer equipment requiring adequate cooling to work properly. Therefore we cannot afford to cut climate control completely. Obviously, our computers are our bread and butter around here (but not our toast.) As it cannot operate above 95 degrees, we keep the A/C running at a conservative 93.

Lighting, however, has been deemed less critical to profitable efforts. Our employee of the month is allowed to use office lighting daily, but the rest of us rely mostly on natural window light wandering in from the executive offices, plus the emergency exit lights. The little backlit buttons on the phones help a lot, too.

Good news, though. We just got a memo informing us that we can use our Christmas bonuses (if we so desire) to install coin-operated fluorescent lighting in our cubicles!
 
We used to have a microwave oven, but the office manager found a case of Sterno cups at the local Costco. We also have a copy machine, refrigerator, and soda machine.
 
I'm pretty sure removal of the soda machine would cause a riot. Once we ran out of Mountain Dew, and the whining was insufferable. Besides, when it's dark and warm, one really needs the caffeine, if you get my drift.
 
The fridge is also necessary, as our staff members have complained about the 27 flights of stairs cutting into their lunch hour. Now nearly everyone around here brings a lunch (usually something unidentifiable from the previous night's dinner.) But we had to remove the refrigerator light bulb - so what was once merely unidentifiable descends further to a sick sort of pot-luck. Let's just say it really pays to invest in one of those miner-style headlamps.
 
The copy machine could go, but then how would we handle all of our personal business? We'd have to run errands, that's how - and that would reduce productivity. Besides, it only works half of the time anyway.

If the crunch continues, I'm prepared to volunteer complete eradication of the stereo equipment some of the younger professionals have taken the liberty of installing in their offices. Their choice in music, across the board, is horrid head banging stuff. What ever happened to the Carpenters?
 
I would also personally unplug the blinky Christmas lights I've festooned on my decorative plastic ficus tree. It would hurt, but I would do it (for Mother and Country and all that.)
 
Or, I would volunteer to take Fridays off.
 
Best,
Susan Kawa
Corporate Employee