MOMMARAMA

Elementary, My Dear?

Elementary - adj 1: not involved or complicated [syn: simple, uncomplicated, unproblematic.] As in: "Elementary, My Dear Watson."

Apparently, neither Webster, nor Holmes had children.

We're only into, what? Our third week of elementary school, and I've already filled out enough paperwork to fell a redwood. It's like SATs, every day! How wise that I only chose to have two children. These poor parents with 7 or 8 must spend more quality time with a ball-point than they do with their kids.

You have your government forms. Your county records. Your sign-up sheets, your medical histories, and all manner or waivers and disclaimers. You have your allergies affidavit, and some quiz involving foreign languages and parental military history. (I hope I got an A!)

Then come extracurricular sign-up sheets and fundraisers. Elementary parents quickly learn to shake down their kids for paperwork every afternoon. It's like working at the airport. We've even trained our dog to sniff out permission slips.

This is all after purchasing school clothes and supplies - and event that in the olden days took about 15 minutes of "quality time" with the Sears catalog, and a trip to the corner drug store for a new pencil, but now requires weeks of preparation, a motorized hand cart, and a 2^nd mortgage. (A chartreuse folder with pockets AND prongs? You must be joking!) We were already exhausted before they even set foot in the classroom.

We parents should unionize! We need some fair labor laws applied here.

No more than 1 form per day! And for the love of God, make them multiple choice.

Homework supervision subject to the federal minimums: coffee breaks every two hours.

Upcoming projects must be detailed in writing, and teachers should call around on the day before (like the dentist.)

Injuries incurred as a direct result of classroom assistance (such as blisters, paper cuts, tendonitis, and knee injuries resulting from sitting in those miniature chairs) should be covered under workman's comp.

And speaking of fair labor--The latest elementary trend is to require parents to serve the school.

Okay, it's not technically a requirement, and it's not technically a new thing; the guilt approach has in fact been highly effective for years. It's a "suggestion" is all. Otherwise, you see, it kind of defeats the purpose of the title "volunteer."

"Hi, I'm Mrs. Kawa. I'm your mandatory."

They "suggest" 20 volunteer hours per household. Pretty much what you'd get for shoplifting gum.

But get this - because of all sorts of horrible stories in the news, and the ensuing implication that people willing to subject themselves to gaggles of kids must be deviants - in order to satisfy the "suggested" volunteer quota, each parent has to trek to county headquarters and submit to fingerprinting and a background check. Again, pretty much what you'd get for shoplifting gum. Except that shoplifters don't have to pay $50 out of pocket for the indignity.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the whole reason we came up with the public school system in this country is because some of us parents had the strength of character to recognize our limitations. Some of us (by which I mean: mostly me) are not GOOD at treading eyeball-deep in this schooling stuff. Honestly, we'd rather pay somebody else to do it - preferably someone who has a little more patience, or possibly someone who is just a masochist that way.

Then there's the whole question of gainful employment: the job(s) that allow us to afford school supplies no longer covered by taxes, but which otherwise get in the way of our volunteer commitments.

Sure, my husband and I should have thought of that before we decided to bring children into the world--who would most assuredly need our assistance with elementary school forms, homework, and field trips to the Everglades. But it didn't exactly pop into our minds - you know, in the heat of the moment.

Complex, my dear Watson.