MOMMARAMA

Cut It Out (The Game Show)

Welcome to "CUT IT OUT!"
The new hit Game Show, where our weekly contestant tries to figure out:

WHO TOUCHED WHOM,
WHO POKED WHOM,
AND WHO HAD THE TOY FIRST!

Meet our panel of judges, uh, referees:
Shirley, mother of 12 and registered nurse from South Dakota,
Bob, an unemployed actor currently residing in Los Angeles (wake up, Bob!),
and "Smoke," a retired professional wrestler from Pakistan.

Our contestant this week is:
"Mom" - mother of our two players, and the woman responsible for guessing correctly:

WHO TOUCHED WHOM,
WHO POKED WHOM,
AND WHO HAD THE TOY FIRST!

Now meet our players:
Max, a 6-year old kindergartner who likes to read, play on the monkey bars, and answer the phone.
<applause>

Abby is 3 years old, and currently holds the world record for nonstop shrieking. She also likes Grandma, and chocolate milk.
<applause>

Well, Max and Abby, you'll notice that this paper screen blocks Mom's view of you, and that our magic box of toys contains only ONE fabulous mystery item, guaranteed to turn the closest siblings against each other in an out-and-out WAR of wits, wills, and with a little bit of luck (for our daytime ratings,) fists!

Now remember, kids, possession is nine tenths of the law. Whoever GETS the toy, and KEEPS it for the full ten-count, gets to take it home. The loser will be forced to steal it back at some later date.

BUT <musical sting>, if Mom, here, correctly guesses:

WHO TOUCHED WHOM,
WHO POKED WHOM,
AND WHO HAD THE TOY FIRST!

Not only does the toy get banished to the penalty box on top of the refrigerator, but no one gets juice after the show.
<Boooooooooooooooo!>

Now, Mom, we like to shake things up a bit, make things a little more challenging for you, so come over here and give our "Wheel of Distractions" a spin.

<Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrclicliclclicliclicli…clic..click…..click………….click>

Hey! Good news! "Doorbell!"
You narrowly missed the dreaded "ringing phone," and the ominous "TV stuck on full blast!" Will your luck continue?

Now our lovely assistant Tiffany will take up her station at our colorful "Cut It Out" front door, and intermittently assault the knocker and/or lean on the buzzer. Just for fun, she'll shout "Jehova's Witness" once or twice.

All Right, Max and Abby. When you hear the ding, it's TOY TIME! Ready? Set?

<ding!>

Oof. Ow!
<Buzzzzzzzz!>
HEY! NOOOOOOOOO! Grunt.
Shirley: BE NICE!
<KnockKnockKnockKnockKnock>
Gimme. Oof. Scuffle. Thud.
<JEHOVA'S WITNESS!!>
Grunt. Squeak. MINE! Ow.
<Buzzzzzzzz! Buzz! Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!>
Crunch. HEY! Stopit!

I see that "Smoke" is starting his count…. ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
Wait!

HEY! Gimme it! MINE! Let GO! Ow!
Bob: Can I get a glass of water here?
<BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! JEHOVA'S WITNESS!!>
SHRiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK! Oof.
<KnockKnockKnock!>

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX?…SIX?…
SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! …..TEN!
And we have "possession!"

So, Mom, what do you think? <musical sting> Do you think you can identify:

WHO TOUCHED WHOM,
WHO POKED WHOM,
AND WHO HAD THE TOY FIRST!

Mom: Well, this is tough, I'm not sure, but I think I have the answer. The answer is:
"There are ten thousand toys in this house! You children GIVE ME THAT, and go play in your rooms until you think you can get along!"

Is that your final answer?

Mom: Don't talk back to me! Do you think I'm talking just to hear myself TALK?

<DingDingDingDingDing! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! DingDingDingDingDing!>

By George, let's hear if for Mom! You beat the odds, without beating your children. (yet.)
<applause>

So here you go, Mom: The coveted "Barney's Magic Banjo" and a gift certificate good for 12 uninterrupted minutes in the shower, courtesy of "Guard Dogs R Us!"
<applause>

Max, Abby, what do you have to say to your Mother?
"Can we have a dog?"

Join us next week, as our next contestant tries to beat the odds by guessing:

WHO TOUCHED WHOM,
WHO POKED WHOM,
AND WHO HAD THE TOY FIRST!