A Letter to Disney Cruise Lines

(NOTE: This is an ACTUAL letter I mailed in April 2000)

Disney Cruise Line Legal Department
Lake Buena Vista, FL

April 2000

Dear People-At-Disney-Legal,
(PADLers, for short - a more appropriate name than you might think)

I just bought some cruise tickets. My kids are ecstatic, and they don't even know what "ecstatic" means!

Anyhow, my very snazzy tickets arrived promptly, and on the front of the travel booklet is written:

YOUR CRUISE CONTRACT IS CONTAINED IN THIS TRAVEL BOOKLET. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU READ ALL THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THE CRUISE CONTRACT.

Rule-follower that I am, I hastened to read as directed.

I wonder if I'm the only one in history to actually NOT skip this step, because clause 18 really got me right
between the eyes:

THE CARRIER DOES NOT EXPRESSLY OR IMPLIEDLY WARRANT, AND SPECIFICALLY DISCLAIMS ANY WARRANTY AS TO THE FITNESS, CONDITION OR SEAWORTHINESS OF THE VESSEL…

Now, I don't know if "seaworthy" means something
different in the legal realm than it does to us commoners, but according to my trusty Webster's Revised
Unabridged Dictionary © 1996, it is defined thusly:

seaworthy \Sea"wor`thy\, Fit for a voyage; worthy of
being trusted to transport a cargo with safety.

So anyhow, tell me again why am I forking over my life savings for a cabin on the Magi-Tanic?

Let me get this straight. You don't guarantee that the boat is going to FLOAT? In fact, you deny any presupposition that it does/will/CAN (legally) float, except possibly by complete utter accident? (Whereupon all the passengers and crew will shout in unison: "Hurray!" Or perhaps that's what "Bon Voyage" actually means: "Hey, it floats!")

Furthermore, I have to sign this contract before I'm
allowed to get ON the ship (providing I should WANT to, after reading clause 18.) Heck, I don't even HAVE to sign it, because it states right there that:

THE CRUISE CONTRACT IS LEGALLY BINDING, WHETHER OR NOT SIGNED BY THE GUEST OR GUEST'S PARENT OR LEGAL GUARDIAN.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I notice that on your fabulous website and in your very glossy brochures and video tapes, you make no mention anyplace that the boat isn't required to actually float. Or that we're agreeing to waive that little detail simply by plunking down our credit cards. In every single picture, bar none, the ship is happily bobbing along, clearly above sea level. Did you have to wait for a good day?

Anyhow, for the record, I'd like to strike the word "seaworthiness" from clause 18 of my cruise contract and the contract of my "wards," thereby placing upon you the odious responsibility of somehow causing the ship to FLOAT (for my singular enjoyment) on the occasion of my trip-of-a-lifetime cruise next month.

After that, you can let it sink again.

You can just make a photocopy of this letter, have somebody important sign it (not Mickey, I know he's pretend) and send it back to me. That way, I can show it to the Captain when I board, so that he knows that this is the cruise where the boat needs to NOT sink.

All the best,
Susan Kawa

PS: While I'm here, I also take issue with the clause that you can use my likeness, or the likeness of my "wards" to promote Disney Cruises without compensation (clause 38.)

If you don't mind, I'd like to modify that clause to state: for each of my likenesses you use (provided it meets or exceeds the quality of my state-issued driver license photo - and this is entirely generous,) you owe me a giant flaming margarita, in a souvenir glass, frozen, with salt.

Though you should know that after about 2 or 3 of these, you probably won't be wanting to take my picture anymore.

PPS: By reading this letter, you consent to having it featured on my website in whole or in part for entertainment purposes.
THIS POST-SCRIPT IS LEGALLY BINDING, WHETHER OR NOT IT IS SIGNED BY YOU AND/OR YOUR PARENT OR LEGAL GUARDIAN.

CC:
Disney Executive Management
Lazlo Toth
Captain Hook
James Cameron
Leonardo DiCaprio

(What Happened Next--for those of you who care:

After no response from Disney's legal department, I Fed-Exed this letter to the CEO of Disney: Michael Eisner.

I received an immediate personal response from the
President of the Cruise Line. They had found the letter so
entertaining at corporate headquarters that Disney granted me some very nice additional perks during my cruise. The ship was gorgeous, and indeed remained afloat the WHOLE time.

Oh--and they have since changed the wording on the cruise contract.)