Consistency

There's a ton of parenting wisdom going around, most of it puzzlingly contradictory. But one common thread is that whatever approach you choose, be consistent. Consistency is the key!

Not to be contrary, but I beg to differ. I think it's just another "conventional wisdom" cornerstone that's going to fall, like, say, the 1900's cure for morning sickness: morphine suppositories.

First of all, consistency is nearly impossible to achieve for us normal folks with moods and stresses in a life of multi-tasking. And even if we WANTED to be 100% consistent, if we made that our number one goal in life, we don't have eyes in the back of our heads, no matter what we tell our children.

I think consistency is actually counterproductive in maintaining peace in a household. Think about it: human beings are incredibly adaptable. The level of resistance or strife one becomes used to feels normal, and is taken in stride. It's how we got this far in the first place, considering the appalling living conditions that humanity has endured. Do you think that a being that is capable of withstanding arctic winters before the advent of Alpine Fleece and Gore-Tex cares about "time-outs"?

I've actually read that when training a dog, consistently giving treats does NOT produce the best results. Conversely, giving no treats doesn't work, either. The best results come when the dog is *occasionally given a reward for good behavior. Gee, do you think they're on to something? I notice the EXACT same tendencies with my children. If I provide constant accolades for their every accomplishment, they come to REQUIRE them. Remember when Mom used to say, "Goodness is its own reward"? I know we hate to admit it, but sometimes (just sometimes) she was right.

The same goes for negative discipline. If all they get is a consistent reminder to "clean up the toys", what kind of motivation is THAT? If they know, hypothetically speaking, that once in a while Mom will blow her top and go drill-sergeant on them, well, then, THERE'S something to avoid!

I think our natural affinity for the beach is a clear demonstration that consistency is useless as a training tool for humans. The ocean just keeps sending waves: pushing us back; pushing us out; pushing us away; pushing again. Over and over and over, untiring. Do we pay any attention? No! We actually LIKE it. We find it entertaining. We come back again and again for more. I maintain that our children develop the same attitude toward discipline. The more consistent we are, the more easily they can ignore us. Time-outs become just another part of the day. I can "remind" with the endurance of the ocean, but teeth don't get brushed. Since it's not always possible for me to immediately enforce every parental request, I'm stuck. And sometimes, I'm chagrined to admit, It's only when I holler that the message gets through.

One other aspect of discipline consistency bothers me. There are times that I'm busy or distracted, and my children come to me asking for an instant decision on some issue or other. Which I occasionally rule on, without proper consideration. These I call "random decisions", and every parent makes them. Conventional wisdom dictates that FOR THE REST OF TIME I back that decision, for fear that if I change it, I'll lose credibility, and my children will possibly suspect that I don't really know what I'm doing. Which is true, but God forbid they find out!

Consistency doesn't develop a sense of self-discipline in kids, or adults for that matter. It gives them an external crutch that they come to depend on to channel their behavior. And consistency at home isn't an accurate model for the real world, now, is it? Few of us get a ticket every time we speed, or get reprimanded every time we're late to work. It's that once-in-a-while promise of punishment that keeps us in line.

You know what else Mom used to say? "Just because your friends are doing it, doesn't make it right. If they all jumped off a cliff…"