Cognitive Collapse

I just recently read a study that revealed this astonishing result: Women actually get SMARTER after they have children!

This just goes to show you that anybody can get published.  All you have to do is assert the most absurd conclusion, choose your data (carefully, so it fits the hypothesis,) apply for a bunch of funding, and call your cousin at the National Tattler.

Having HAD children, and based on my sample subject count of one (which might seem small, until perhaps, you stood VERY close to me,) I can pretty much assure you that parenthood makes you dumb as a stick. I'm not sure if this kicks in during birth, or nursing, or what, but I suspect it has its origins in pregnancy. When you SEEMINGLY possess the same number of brain cells as your pre-pregnant self, but then all of a sudden they're (each and every one) focused on a roughly 1 cubic foot section of your anatomy. (An "A-HA!" moment regarding the predicament of men.)

At any rate, you used to read the newspaper, have conversations, and run a tight ship. But put a bun in the oven, and life becomes about "finding clothes that stretch" and crying during commercials.

My brain cells died at an alarming rate throughout pregnancy (each one emitting a tiny little scream.) But they suffered a bona fide massacre during the birthing process, because as you know, each birth carries (roughly) a ten point IQ penalty. Which is why we make all those faces. And the only reason we don't immediately notice the change is that we're in so much recuperative pain.

Nursing, though it takes place in the general chest area, is also a major brain cell killer. I rather hope it's something closer to a Vulcan Mind Meld type thing, and the KID at least benefits. But I'm not sure if my current set of data supports that idea, since the subjects in question keep walking into walls, and such.

During my lactating periods, I simple could NOT be trusted to do ANYTHING but lactate. When I got my underwear on the inside, that qualified as a "good" day. In fact, my memory of those months is rather sketchy, though I have snapshot recollections, such as the time I watched my next-door neighbor tote her trash cans to the curb, and cried because I couldn't figure out whether it was Tuesday or Friday.

Luckily, that seemed to be the point of greatest cognitive suppression. Probably a nature thing: in order to successfully stay home and lactate, you've got to be able to tolerate daytime TV, which is aimed at medium-functioning simians.

But regular post-lactation motherhood hasn't been kind to the old noodle, either. I'm pretty good with the remedial stuff, like which one's a lion and which one's a tiger (you can tell by the stripes, you see!) And I can usually tell my kids apart, even at the end of the day. But when you start patting yourself on the back for correctly guessing which socks go with which kid, you can pretty much assume that the "word jumble" is a thing of the past.

Where do they get this "Smarter" result? Maybe they figure that, as a 8 ounces of milk covers more AREA after it's been spilled, so does a mother's mind expand to cover the additional responsibilities and considerations of parenthood.  (An appropriate visual, if I do say so myself.) What they forgot about was that milk evaporates a lot quicker when it's all spread out like that, even when you don't take the cat into consideration. And I think we can all agree that the milk in question isn't much use after that.

Frankly, it smacks of a study conducted by lactating women.