CD Sea (or: AOL Oh No!)

I have nothing against AOL. Technically. Some of my best friends and relatives are AOL victims, er, devotees.

It's just that when somebody tries so very hard to garner my favor, or my patronage, or my soul (as the case might be) I'm naturally suspicious. Like the soccer nazis in my area, vying for my firstborn. Those tactics just seem to bring out the contrarian in me. Which is a nice way to say I'm stubborn as all-git-out.

I must get a CD in the mail every week (twice a week during the holidays: June through December) broadcasting AOL's fabulous services, and their VERY SPECIAL OFFER, straight from AOL corporate Headquarters especially to me, SUSAN KAWA OR OCCUPANT. It sports all the heartfelt promises of a long and lasting relationship that I used to overhear in nightclub parking lots.

Such a waste, this continual influx of shiny disks that when filled with the caterwauling of certain vocalists, might cost upwards of 18 bucks. But these are FREE, which would imply they're of even LESS inherent value than the aforementioned, ahem, trash.

But they're awfully pretty.

So, in the interest of frugality, ingenuity, or just plain boredom, I came up with a few ways one might use these silly little things, aside from contributing to the land-fill problem. Clearly, I need to get a life.

• Coasters (start out with the obvious)
  
• Christmas Ornaments for the bottom 1/3 of the tree
  
• Emergency Mirror for snow bunnies who might need to check lipstick or signal for toddies.
  
• Bug smoosher, or guillotine, depending on your personal style of insect execution
  
• Funky Wallpaper (may take upwards of 3 weeks to collect enough.)
  
• Earrings
  
• Buttons for the Jolly Green Giant
  
• Sequins for a New Hollywood Fashion Crop (Don't laugh. Just wait!)
  
• Scraping Gum off the Bottom of Shoes.
  
• Surgical Drape for Fingertip Operations
  
• Women's Hair Accessories
  
• Substitute Air Hockey Puck
  
• Trombone "WahWah" Mute
  
• April Fools Day Boloney Sandwich Insert
  
• High-tech Lip Plug for those Natives in National Geographic Magazine
  
• Poker Chips for the Nearly Blind
  
• Parade Float Décor (though this might inadvertently fry some onlookers)
  
• Carnival Ring Toss Rings (improved odds over the old ones)
  
• Space Shuttle Tiles
  
• Birth Control (Clasp between the knees. Clearly this isn't foolproof…)
  
• Swindling Natives out of huge parcels of land.