Planning Your Wedding: The Cave Approach

Listen up ladies.

I know you feel overwhelmed with all these wedding details, and perhaps you relish the advice and assistance of a more seasoned party planner, such as your Mother (or some other mother-like entity.) The lure may seem irresistible. But I'm telling you right now - the only way to bring about the vision that is your fairy tale wedding … is to hide out in an underground cave for the duration. Abandoned missile silos or bomb shelters also work well. Oh sure, the phone service is kind of spotty, but for the purposes of this experiment, loss of communication will work to your advantage.

Trust no one.

Okay, I know you're not going to listen to me (even though I'm right.) So instead of belaboring the point, I'll dole out some handy tips on making the best of the minefield that separates you from your first day of marital bliss. You're on your honor to check back later for my
"I told you sos."

Tip number 1:
Include as FEW of your relatives in the planning process as you can possibly manage. This includes soon-to-be relatives, and/or honorary "aunts". You remember that old adage: "Too many cooks spoil the broth"? Well, newsflash! Soup comes in CANS. Frankly, if a few extra heads can mess up something as simple as soup, can you imagine the mess that they could make of a wedding? I'm talking bouillabaisse, here!

In fact, it's probably best to keep the whole event a secret until roughly four and a half hours before the ceremony. I trust this won't be a problem for you.

Tip number 2:
Fire your Mother and your Sister(s). Okay, I know this sounds harsh, but as an alternative maybe you can promote them to a separate branch of the company - such as "V.P. of Napkin Rings" - where they can't do as much damage.

Tip Number 3:
Trust your instincts. Okay, not the instinct to rely on your Mom's advice. But the other ones. Like the instinct that tells you that your Grandmother's heirloom dress might not work out, what with the change in the width of doorways since the advent of fire codes. Repeat after me: "That little voice is my friend."

Tip Number 4:
Don't serve alcohol at the reception. You're going to need it all for the planning phase anyway. Order over, and order early, that's my motto. Which leads me to…

Tip Number 5:
Understand this: Even if you have twelve marriages and as many kids under your belt, your Mother will think you're a virgin - and attempt to give you "the talk" on the eve of your wedding. Use up the last of the alcohol for this (don't be stingy.) Then chew the ice, pick at your toenails, re-bead your tiara. Just don't say ANYTHING.

Okay. That wasn't really a tip. But you don't want to be blindsided by something like that.

Emergency Backup Plan (AKA Plan B): "The Reverse Psychology Lead-in, Twist to Pike Position, With Surprise Compromise Landing."

If you're still with me this far, you've proven your commitment to the reduced-stress planning process, and are now worthy of this delicate yet powerful proactive approach. The trick is to stick the landing.

Here's an example of how it works.

Mother: I've chosen a fabulous string quartet for your reception. All the way from Minsk!

You: Oh shoot. "Billy Bob and the Nosepickers" are still available, and I had my heart set on them…

Mother: You…you can't be serious?!?

You: Never been more serious in my life. Don't you love that song, "Infestation Station?" Such poignant lyrics - a true reflection of my deepest thoughts on love. And those bagpipes! Yes - I simply MUST have the Nosepickers at my reception.

Mother:  But…But…But…

You: Though they are a bit pricey. Maybe we should talk to some DJs.

Mother: Oh thank GOD. Yes! A DJ! That sounds wonderful!

In summary, ladies, I offer you this awesome power. But I expect you to use it responsibly. And if all else fails: Remember the cave.