Carpal Toilet Syndrome

I recently read an article where scientists dicovered that the human brain functions differently in preadolescent children than it does in adults.

The article really impacted me, not so much by it's cogent, well-written presentation, featuring graphs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it is, but that there wasn't a single footnote along the lines of: "No Duh"

In fact, it lacked any reference to obvious practical observations, such as: kids will eat boogers.

Clearly, I am in the wrong business. Scientists can write off to the government and get wheelbarrows full of money to study the obvious--with sensors and computers and complicated instruments that cost more than my house, but with not a shred, apparently, of common sense.

Oh sure, it's important stuff - studying brain function. Takes lots of letters after one's name, and a really nifty laboratory with all kinds of breakable items, and things that shouldn't be spilled. (Which leads me to believe that there is a rather significant possibility that children weren't included in this particular experiment at all.)

Studying children without actually having children present sounds like the perfect job. In fact, I have about 7 million ideas for these sorts of studies. Some of them even have practical benefits for adults. Like "how does one get a child to flush the toilet?" "Every time." "Without fail." "Or at least when company is coming?"

Now THIS is a study with profound practical value. You give a perfectly reasonable question like this to scientists with a bunch of letters after their names, and what you'll get, after 6 or 7 million dollars' worth of petrie dishes and laser pointers, is a multi-page article in font size 9, which, when roughly translated, says: "Children cannot be convinced, with any statistical level of reliability, to flush the toilet."

Unfortunately, I, myself, am not qualified to conduct such important research, on account of my name ends, and that's that. No capital letters follow:

Susan Kawa.
See?

It's a serious handicap, in the science arena. But anyway, I could trail the whole alphabet after my name, and I still probably wouldn't be well suited to this sort of work, on account of I have a disability that makes it uncomfortable to be writing on clipboards for hours on end. You see, I have "Carpal Toilet Syndrome."

Carpal Toilet Syndrome is a maternal disorder of the hand and wrist, resulting from the repetitive stress of flushing the toilet after one's children. I believe Carpal Toilet Syndrome is a developing health concern in this country, made worse by the fact that moms everywhere are loath to admit they are showing symptoms, since they believe that it reflects poorly on their parenting skills.

I can only hope, after the aforementioned , highly publicized breakthrough scientific conclusion that "kids think differently than adults", we ought to feel a little more comfortable coming forward. For the noble purpose of furthering science and all. If enough of us show up at our doctor's office with Carpal Toilet Syndrome symptoms, maybe the scientific community will rise to the occasion to solve this pressing problem. After all, these guys put a man on the moon (though I think we can all agree, that was much easier.)

A wheelbarrow full of government money and 12 million clipboards later, I suppose we can expect the following results:

"Carpal Toilet Syndrome may be avoided, or symptoms reduced by teaching children to flush the toilet themselves. This may be accomplished by using proven verbal conditioning techniques (colloquially known as reminders) until they adopt the desirable behavior(s)." (see footnote)

When they put it that way, it sounds so simple, doesn't it? Gotta love those scientist guys. And, as a bonus, now they have another study to conduct: Blue in the Face Syndrome.

(Footnote) No Duh.