A Career Counseling Session

Nothing like a little unsolicited advice to get an argument going, that's what I always say! And when it comes to sisters, that's pretty much the whole point, right?

A successful stay-at-home-mom, my sister occasionally expresses the normal garden-variety maternal frustration, and muses about pursuing a new career. Rather than stooping to something as transparent as, oh, say, reassurance and support, I dive right in to solve the problem. It's just the kind of person I am. Always ready to help!

Dear Sis,
As per our last conversation, I've been brainstorming new career prospects for you. I've put a lot of thought into it, as you can see. Like at least seven minutes.
Here's what I came up with:
 
I can see you teaching elementary school. All except the part where you have to be polite to the obnoxious parents. You can get into big trouble for clapping erasers on people's ears. Especially when they're old enough to use the legal system.
 
You'd be particularly well suited to training dolphins. You'd be ruthless with that whistle and those hand signals. Just think! All those years of cheerleading might finally pay off!
 
I think you'd make a really great gypsy tarot card reader for parties. You're pretty good at staying up late, plus you smell good - and that's very important for paranormal pursuits.
 
How about photography? You've got a good eye. I don't mean mass-produced portraits or any of that - more like magazine photographs or nature photography. Or Anne Geddes (if you're a sicko.)
 
Paranormal photography.
Just combining the above two.
It's easy - you just have to have a dirty lens.
 
I can see you as a hairdresser to the stars. Because you wouldn't take their crap, and you're good with hairdos and know all that complicated stuff about bleach and tones/hues. Who can keep all that stuff straight? I ask you.
YOU CAN!
 
I can definitely see you as a massage therapist. I hear it's a legitimate, respectable pursuit these days (except in Utah.) You could practice on me. Twice a week.
 
Or a physical therapist - to bring out the sadist side of you that only I seem to have identified. Instead of that compassionate sympathetic crap, you'd be all: "Don't be such a baby. BEND it!" You can be demented that way.
 
Cat burglar. Yes! This could be the one. Only you're not much of a jewelry person - so you'd probably case the homes of rich women who wear the same size as you, so you could steal their clothes.
 
Heiress. You could be a rich heiress if you practice brown-nosing with a high rate of believability. This may require dramatic arts training. Plus possibly a minor in toxic chemistry, on account of all of our elderly relatives are in pretty good health. Now that I think of it - you might have to work on finding some wealthier relatives.
 
Webmistress.
I just like saying that.
 
Radio show doctor.
Like "Doctor Ruth" or "Doctor Laura."
I've watched Frasier, and so I know that you don't actually have to be a doctor to be called "doctor" on the radio. All you have to do is be rude and abrasive to callers. I think you have it in you. Give it some thought.
 
Lawyer.
You'd look great in those power suits, telling those big pompous lawyers where to stick it. Actually, maybe you should skip to...
 
Judge.
You: "Well, WHO had it first? Stop it! STOP…IT!
All right! That's it. Give it to me. I'm KEEPING it until you can act like normal rational human beings. WHAT is wrong with you? <hey - laser pen! look! it lights up my nose from the inside!>"
 
Plumber.
No really. Do you know how much they get PAID? Yeah, sometimes it's stinky work, but have you ever been in the room when a Vet cleans out a dog's anal glands? Talk about your gas chamber. But plumbers - they're all copper and PVC pipes, and cute jumpsuits with your name on the patch.
 
Pepsi factory worker.
Have you SEEN that commercial?
 
Florist.
I mean really. How hard could it be? You get to chat with happy (or at least remorseful) people all day in a place that smells nice. Plus, I'd get a discount.
 
Skating rink skate-rental-technician.
Just think of the opportunity to put your natural gift of sarcasm to work! And you have that really great high-pitched laugh that'd make sure the idiot guy who just wiped out while trying to goose the ref didn't get away unseen.
 
Port-O-Let Saleswoman.
I knew a lady who actually did this, and she was one of the funniest people I have ever met. The only other person I know that could be that hilarious is you, or possibly Joan Rivers. And get this - you get to have a port-o-let key chain, with a little door that really opens!
 
Sigh.
I've probably put more thought into this than you have.
Well - just tell me if you need more ideas, because I'm FULL of 'em, baby.
 
Well, I'm full of SOMETHING...

Love,
-Susan