Those of you that consider your beloved canines as sons and daughters need a good, hard dose of reality. Dogs are WAY more reliable than kids.

Take, for example, bathroom habits. I bring this up FIRST to drive home the point that after 2 months or so, dog owners cease to have any issue with this topic. Whereas parents of human babies wrestle with the intricacies and delicacies of bathroom habits for YEARS at best, decades on average, and sometimes a lifetime. That's why we're always bringing up this "poop" topic to you folks. Our very LIVES center around it.

Okay, dogs lick themselves, and roll in dead fish at every opportunity. Sometimes they don't come when they're called. And occasionally, their prolonged dalliances produce litters of mongrels.

Parents, please take a moment of silence. And before you consider flinging yourself off that bridge (because you realize that the above-mentioned vices qualify as a PICNIC next to the adventures OUR futures hold) remember that dogs don't qualify as tax deductions.

Consider. Would you rather snap, "Boomer! Stop that!" or face THIS conversation: "Now, Son, I KNOW that feels nice, and it's perfectly natural to want to feel nice, and there's nothing wrong or abnormal about that, but sweetie, when you're in a school play, and up on stage, it might be better to control that urge…"

Dog people might have to scour their canine friends thrice with herbal shampoo to get out the fish smell, but you can safely assume that they don't keep dead fish in the house, pretending they're alive and "just taking a nap" until 27 phone calls and a minor bribe produce an exact replica for emergency substitution.

Faced with a bushel of puppies, you can say: "Aren't they CUTE? Who wants one?"

And you don't get into all kinds of legal trouble for putting a "FREE PUPPIES" sign in your front yard.

Dogs are NOT children:

• They do not insist on talking to whoever you're on the phone with. And they hardly ever call 911 when you're in the shower.
  
• Dogs are practical. Dying of thirst in a desert, he won't turn up his nose at a puddle just because you don't give him a red-striped bendy straw.
  
• It would never occur to a dog to complain about what you feed him, and he's always appreciative. Even when it's meatloaf (especially when it's meat loaf.)
  
• Dogs sport expressions of blank, loving acceptance. Which practically never turns to contempt when they hit their teens.
  
• They do not ask for cars.
  
• They don't have parties when you're gone, or if they do, they at least have the good sense to clean up before you get home.
  
• They do not argue about what haircut you give them.
  
• And they will wear a nerdy sweater if you put it on them.