Breaking Up

I've been faced with many tough decisions in my life, many forks in the path, so to speak. But few are as traumatic as when I've been faced with initiating a painful breakup.

Men, schmen. I'm talking about my hairdresser.

Sometimes, no matter how much you try, it's not working out. It's especially painful when you like HER, but not the way she does your hair. (The dreaded: "It's not YOU, Rhonda, it's ME…")

A woman's commitment to her hairdresser is of a very profound and intimate nature. How many people, after all, see us with our head wrapped in a towel, or are familiar with our cowlick? (Not that we HAVE one, mind you. And for the record, we don't snore, either.)

Plus, there's all that STUFF they know about us on account of we can't seem to shut up when we're around them. I have a theory that this has something to do with the blue liquid they soak their combs in…

We have to face this glaring issue about how to break the news. Or IF we should break the news at all.

I've been known to wish (beyond hope) that my hairdresser would just up and move away. But we all know that's a pipe dream. Hairdressers don't move. They're like dentists - stuck in the same town for life. In fact, approximately 125% of the folks in my high school class that haven't moved away from my hometown are in the hairdressing biz. The only time I ever knew a stylist to move was when I'd finally found a fabulous one. Maybe it's a karma thing.

We want to be delicate. We want to avoid confrontation. And we certainly don't want to break the news to her mid-cut (unless, perhaps, we LIKE that asymmetrical look.) Most of the time, we take the cowards approach and just slink away. Like we've seen men do, just when we thought the relationship was getting good. But you know - they always ask for your phone number when you make those appointments. They may as well have your house key.

It's kind of silly to consider packing up a whole household and relocating out of state. But the thought DOES occur to us, doesn't it?

Then there's the issue of finding NEW hairdresser. If you approach the problem in a businesslike sense, then as you probably wouldn't bail on a job without having another one lined up, you wouldn't consider leaving your beautician without at least some hot prospects. You have to face some pretty disloyal sneaking around, being careful all the time not to upset the schedule, or let on that you've been interviewing ("No, I've just been to a funeral.")

But if you're a heart thinker, sometimes you just need some "space," and time to find yourself. Or lose yourself, depending on how fast your hair grows. The impulsive can sometimes pay a high price for defection.

Breaking it off and hooking up with another hairdresser in the same salon is really tacky. It's like breaking up with your boyfriend to date his roommate. Or his brother. I would imagine. No, it's safer to get as FAR away from the scene of the crime as possible. You never know how close-knit the business IS, and if you're going to end up with a Larry Fine, because by some quirk of fate, the new beautician is a distant cousin of the one you dumped.

It's taken me YEARS to amass enough information to be able to format a passable defensive strategy. For example, I've learned that you should never have more than one family member going to each hairdresser. Sure it's inconvenient, but the breakups are less messy. No joint custody issues, or any of that.

Another option is to just jump around from chair to chair with no commitment. But we all know that's not a satisfying lifestyle, long term.

Bottom line: you can't be afraid of commitment, even if eventually it doesn't work out. Take reasonable precautions, and take it slow. And be adult about it when things go sour, because someday you're going to bump into your "ex" somewhere out and about.

<Awkward pause> "You look good…"