Birthday Bash

I find all this Birthday Bacchanalia stuff hard to take. The way we celebrate our kids' birthdays has gotten WAY out of hand.

It used to be (in the good old days): a couple of balloons, a few friends, and a rousing game of pin-the-tail added up to a perfectly satisfying soiree. Now it's a herd of ponies, a professional clown, 200 of your closest friends, and Aerosmith.

Not every kid is the prince of Monaco. I see no reason to try and convince them otherwise.

And when did parents start having to STAY? For the whole 4 hours? If I'd known about that clause, I might have opted out of parenting altogether. In fact, I'm wondering if there's some way I can get "Grandfathered In" ("Grandfathered OUT" might be more appropriate.) 

After all, since it's politically incorrect to whack your child for tasting the cake with a grubby finger or pushing somebody into the pool, what's the point of sticking around? I mean, unless it's YOUR kid's party, of course.

I think these lavish parties are setting up kids for serious disappointment later in life, when nobody gives one WHIT that it's their birthday. Imagine the poor little guy when he jubilantly bursts into the office and NOT ONLY is there no seven layer cake festooned with sparklers, there's not even a Jupiter Jump set up in his cubicle! That's when all those savings bonds can be cashed in for therapy, I guess.

Another feature of the modern-day birthday party is the parting gift. This is, I guess, the consolation prize for having it not be YOUR birthday. Hello? Isn't that the whole point? Isn't the REAL goal of birthday parties to give kids etiquette lessons? Teach them the fine points of behavior particular to party environments so they can FUNCTION as adults, and not move back home when they get fired for swiping their boss's new palm pilot at the office Christmas Bash?

It's not that complicated! The way I see it, the birthday kid is supposed to figure out:

• How to function as the center of attention without being a complete ass.
  
• How to host your friends all at once, and feign (at least) concern about their comfort and inclusion.
  
• How to smile and thank folks for giving you a gift that you hate, or already have nine of.
  
• How to write a thank-you note. Or at least sign them. Or, at the absolute bare minimum, not shoot paper footballs at your Mom while she's writing them FOR you.