Side Order of Arsenic

Who's brilliant idea was it to pressure treat my sandbox lumber with arsenic?

"We didn't know it was toxic" lament the plank purveyors. Pardon me, but modern man has known for a long time that arsenic is nasty stuff, as evidenced by all of the old mystery writers having their characters sprinkle it around like road salt in order to get their inheritances quicker. In fact, I think several of the Roman dynasties came to an abrupt end as a result of lax control over prescription powdery substances in the palace, if you get my drift. Common knowledge, is my point.

"But arsenic is only ONE ingredient, and pressure treating lumber is a complex process with many steps!"

I'm not buying that one either. Baking Christmas cookies is a long, complicated process with many steps, too. But if I read: 1 tsp. baking soda, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1 Tbsp. arsenic… I'm probably going to pick another recipe. Well, depending on who I'm expecting.

Still, it has taken years upon years, and possibly a seven zillion dollar government study to figure out that this particular arsenic cocktail maybe wasn't the best way to pressure treat lumber. Why can't *I get a government grant like that? You know, to study whether rat poison is bad for you, or if falling off tall buildings is deleterious to one's health.

One arsenic exception I'd allow: lacing telephone poles with the stuff. We moms need a good catch phrase, like, "Get DOWN from there! Do you want to get arsenic poisoning?!?" - because the "break your neck" warning doesn't have the punch it used to.

But no. Somebody decided it would be a great idea to spec this pressure-treated stuff across the board - in the construction of  playground equipment, backyard fences, houses, cute little covered bridges and such. Thereby turning our picket fenced communities into a quaint new variety of toxic waste dump. And (worse) leaving us to consider "Get OUT of that sandbox! Do you want to get arsenic poisoning?!?" as the catch phrase of the 00's.

"Trace amounts" they say. Trace amounts of arsenic. Isn't that like trace amounts of HCL in the blood  (the hormone that indicates pregnancy?) Kind of dangerous is like kind of pregnant.

I confess. It's less of a problem with my kids now, since they're past the "lick everything solid" stage. The dog, however, is responsible for ingesting approximately half of the sand in the sandbox, and frankly I worry about his academic future.

Furthermore, I'm ready to rip out the fence like so many gray hairs, before it costs more to "dispose" of it safely than it cost to put it in (just wait!)

Our community playground was just tested by a crew of what I assume were astronauts, and summarily condemned. This is the stuff we held fundraisers for, and contributed hours of backbreaking community labor to install. Next thing you know, the schoolhouse siding will be on its way out, too. Our kids will probably think it's pretty nifty, being educated in the equivalent of prisoner-of-war (excuse me: "detainee") digs. We taxpayers would be somewhat less enthusiastic.

Vote YES on the arsenic tax! Make our playgrounds safe again! (Or we'll take it out of the school budget, like we always end up doing anyway.)

I can just see my kids' faces when I go for the swing set.
"Hey STOP, Mom! I was LICKING that!"