The Halloween Contract

AGREEMENT entered into this ______ day of _____________, 20____ by undersigned parties hereinafter referred to as "Parent" and "Child/ren".

WHEREAS Halloween is an accepted festive holiday in the _____________ household, and insofar as the celebration of Halloween traditionally includes copious pagan decorations, festivities requiring preparation and forethought, and the wearing of original costumes for purposes of creative begging, and

WHEREAS the purpose of this Agreement shall be the alleviation of Parent from unrealistic expectation of Child/ren, and to coerce the support and assistance of Child/ren in necessary preparation (even when Child/ren would rather be playing with friends) up to the point when Parent deems that the work would frankly go a lot faster if Child/ren would leave the premises,

NOW, THEREFORE, undersigned Parent and Child/ren hereby agree to the following Halloween terms:

1.  Child/ren may submit costume selections for approval between 1 October and 25 October, but in no case between the hours of 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM. Even if it's a really great idea.

2.  Costume requests must be made in writing, and shall be witnessed by at least one other adult (excluding Parent) so that Child cannot later claim that he requested a "ninja" when in fact he wrote "Superman". Even if "Superman" is subsequently discovered to be an unfashionable choice.

3.  Verbal costume requests or non-compliant requests made outside the specified window of opportunity shall be ignored or laughed at.

4.  Parent retains the right to veto costume selections, for reasons including, but not limited to the following:

  1. Costume construction requires motors, radioactive materials, and/or advanced engineering degree.
  1. Costume cannot be completed in allotted time or costs more than the gross national product of Peru.
  1. Costume requires items or components that belong to Parent, and which Parent does not care to share. Such as undergarments, or the interior mechanism(s) of the answering machine.
  1. Costume includes headgear, mask, or other component(s) which effectively blind Child/ren. 
  1. Requested costume is a really really stupid idea.

5.   Once (each) Child and Parent have agreed upon a single costume selection, and said agreement has duly been witnessed and notarized, changes or substitutions may only be made at the discretion of Parent, whom, it should be noted, isn't feeling all that cooperative at this point.

6.   Child/ren understand that climatic conditions including rain, snow, relative temperature, and humidity are NOT under the control or influence of Parent, and that it is the responsibility of each Child to plan appropriately. Parent will not, even in the case of freak blizzard, change "Tinker bell" into "Sasquach" at 4:00 PM Halloween afternoon, unless an appropriate subcontract is completed  (see: Indentured Servitude Form.)

7.   Child/ren agree that when Parent participates in the construction of costume(s), Parent is entitled to a full 10% share in the spoils of Trick-or-Treating. Child/ren furthermore agree that they will not hide all the chocolate pieces before submitting the spoils for inspection and aforementioned costume-tax.

8.   While Parent recognizes that Halloween parties are a pleasant pastime in October, Parent is not obligated to host or to take Child/ren to parties if a) they take place three towns over b) if Child/ren's room is not cleaned up to Parent's satisfaction, or c) Parent is otherwise committed, such as undergoing emergency appendectomy, or serving Federal Jury Duty.

9.   Should Parent forget everything she learned last year and volunteer to actually host a Halloween party, Child/ren agree to act in a suitably submissive and thankful manner, and to NOT make lame-party jokes in front of guests. Child/ren also agree that the dry ice is for the punch bowl, and NOT for the toilet.

10.   Child/ren agree that it is their responsibility to help construct, place, and eventually put away [ ____ init!] household Halloween decorations. Child/ren must recognize Parent's superior aesthetic sensibilities, however, and agree to defer to Parent's judgment on product placement. In any case, Child/ren agree to leave the ladder out of it.

11.   Child/ren agree that scaring people with rubber spiders is very funny, except when "people" includes Parent.

12.   Child/ren agree that Trick-or-Treating commences at dusk, and agree to look up "dusk" in the dictionary. Child/ren agree that a precondition of Trick-or-Treating is a nutritious dinner, and shall remember that dinner is much easier consumed without masks in place.

13.   Child/ren agree that the addition of reflective tape and/or light sticks to costumes is not "dorky" or "babyish" but a necessary safety precaution. Safety items removed or missing at the completion of Trick-or-Treating shall be searched for, found, and affixed to Child's head for a minimum of three (3) school days.

14.   While Parent recognizes the irony of this clause considering that the undersigned Child/ren are afraid of the dark, their own shadows, various natural noises, and the upstairs bathroom, nevertheless Parent requires that Child/ren must Trick-or-Treat in group(s) to include at least one Parent-approved legal adult, should Parent decide to stay home and attempt to scare the bejeepers out of visiting Trick-or-Treaters and keep all the candy for herself.

15.   Parent and Child/ren jointly agree that the observance of "National Sugar Shock Day" (November 1st) shall include the suspension of all Child/ren's chores, since they wouldn't be done to Parent's satisfaction anyway, and in any case will most likely result in an unsightly proliferation of sticky fingerprints. In the unfortunate event that National Sugar Shock Day does NOT fall on a school day, Child/ren agree to telephone Grandparents and request a visitation, which shall necessarily occur away from Parent's property, and which shall span a two-meal period.


Should Parent cave on any clause or item outlined herein, all other clauses and limitations shall remain in full effect. This shall be referred to as the "Give Them an Inch" rule, and shall in no even be mistaken for clause 5,280.

WHEREFORE, we affix our signatures.



_________________________
(Notary Public)

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© 2002, Susan Kawa, All rights reserved.