Dear UG,
I`M 8 MOUTH PERGAUNT AND MY FIRST BORN IS 15 YEAR OLD
SHE FIND OUT THAT I WAS WHEN I WAS 2MOUTH PERGANT BUT I WANNA KNOW HOW SHE FINDOUT
-"Jane"

Dear Jane,
As God is my witness, I have no idea how to answer you…

Let's see.  I can sense you're a woman of subtlety, guile, and (not book, but equally valuable, I'm sure - "street") intelligence. No doubt your 15-year-old daughter has inherited some of these fine qualities. Please seize this opportunity to feel proud of her.
-UG

Dear UG,

For some reason my 3 year old can't seem to grasp contractions. For instance:

"Don't go in there" becomes "go there"
"You can't put Desitin on a Barbie doll" becomes "The more you smear the less I'll notice"
"That isn't good for you" becomes "Chow down kid!"
"I won't help you solve that" becomes "Ask me 2,500 more times and I'll consider"

What am I to do?
-Missing that Contraction Action

Dear (Pink!) Conjunctive,
Here's your problem: Kids have no grasp of the apostrophe. Heck, *I* have no grasp of the apostrophe. Frankly, It's confusing.

Who invented the apostrophe, anyway? It's just a little smear on the paper. It looks like a mistake! I bet the Egyptians didn't have an apostrophe. It's because they had to BASH their language into stone, that's why. Back then, apostrophes would have been a liability (repetitive stress injury!) I bet Egyptian lawyers would have been all over that one.

Apostrophes are superfluous. They're evil. They're  a government conspiracy!

Uh--Did I answer your question?
-UG

All knowing an' seeing UG.…
wadda y'all know 'bout parroting? Iz it sorta akin ta this h'yar parentin' stuff wif whitch ah gots no prakticle 'sperience, or iz it somethin' intirelee diff'rentyull?

Ah figgered iffen y'all don' know, dey ain't nobody what doez.

(Note to UG: -- my pet rock Seymour was dyin' to ask Ug a question...sorry for his appalling spelling. I'm no better at pet rock mentoring than parenting, it seems.)
-MB

Dear MB and MB-pet-rock,
Pet rock? Your PET ROCK has parenting questions?

Who is screening these questions, anyway?

Sigh.

"Parroting" , MB-pet-rock,  has nothing to do with "parenting", sad to say. It's a Birds vs. humans thing. (They probably all look alike to you. )

PARROTING requires much more subtlety and finesse, which a pet rock probably doesn't have much of, in any case.

"Differential", on the other hand, has more to do with engines and calculus, both of which post-date my expertise by approximately 15,000 years. (Try Marilyn Vos Savant.)

But if you're inclined, I'd like to continue a dialog--particularly if you're a chair-shaped rock. Because I happen to be in need of one of those. Table-shaped would also be okay. Let me know.
-UG